Harder...

This is harder than I thought it would be...I guess I should know better because of what I went through with my dad passing. Even with Cajon it was really hard on me as much as a...lol...pain in the butt he was...I was hoping things would change with him and I guess I hid it better than I realized on my feelings about him until he died....
Everytime I seem to turn around a sound, a word, question anything little and it sets me off to crying. We went over and told his mom and his younger bro was there. He broke down crying more than he ever...said he wasn't as invincable as he thought (something like that)...it was good to see him do that and get it out but not the right reason...hope this is making sense. Instead of being concerned with himself he's worried about me and the girls...
We got some calls made today...now just waiting for SS diablility to call to give more info and get that started cause you know workman's comp ain't going to cover this all except for the accident. The doctor's office called about the insurance too....yeaaaaaaaaaa!!!!...the insurance approved the medicine "Sutent" and his copay will be $40 every 3 months as long as we carry the insurance and not sure what their cobra policy is...one year or eighteen months...will find out on Monday after we go see HR at work...
Now that we know it's still has a lot of things still up in the air about workman's comp...going over to short term disability...???til ss disability or regular ss retirement kicks in...after he gets "Sutent" and starts we've got three months to pray it helps stop the growth of the cells and gives him more time...
More later....

Sorry....

Sorry that I have bad news...the doctor said it's cancer of the kidney and has spread throughout his body especially in the bones. The prognosis...it's not cureable. These are just estimations from the doctor...4-6 months without treatment...He's been given morphine pills to help with the pain so he doesn't build up a toxicity to tylenol that is in the lortabs which aren't doing the trick anyway. The doctor's office is trying to get approval for the "Sutent" pills and after on them three months another bone scan whole body is done to see if the cancer has stopped growing. If it has, it will give him another one to two years. Sutent runs $3-4000 a month without insurance. We are to call the doctor's office tomorrow (Thursday) to see if it got approved. He doesn't feel having the rod put in his arm will do any good but we will be making an appointment to see what the bone specialist says. It could be too risky.
The hardest part for him was having to tell the girls over the phone...each of us on different extensions in the house while they were told and then he gave the call over to me so I could tell the girls more info or answer any questions they might have and crying along with them too. Charli said she needed to get Gary and the girls together and let them know what was going on and with the girls having a four days weekend...it will help get them adjusted somewhat to the news before going back to school on Monday. Tamra only had her roommate and surprise she came home for the night...yeah, she'll be doing a turn around in the morning so she can get to work at 8 a.m. He got up just now and saw she was home and asked what she was doing here and she said it was more for her...to adjust to the news.
I've broken down in the doctors office a couple of times...on the road coming home...grocery store when the clerk asked how he was...since she knows us...and off and on all evening. My sister called tonight and he talked with her for a short bit and then I did...it was hard and I asked if she would call mom. We still have to tell his mom tomorrow and that's even going to be hard too.
Not sure what else to tell you or say right now...much luv to all and continue the prayers that his pain lessens and that the meds get approved and work so we have more time with him and quality time for sure...I'm rambling again.
gOOD nIGHT... <3

Dreading but curious...

We're dreading tomorrow but yet curious...as he says, "I'm more afraid of the unknown." He'd rather know what results the doctor has now and go from there and get the rest later. Almost wish we were going up in the morning but the appointment isn't until 1:45pm PST besides the fact early voting is tomorrow too. Hope the lines aren't too long!!!! Ohhhhh, I hope we both sleep okay tonight.

Mel messing with her pappy's hair and even foto'd it....sorry, not a better one.

Some good news on my shoulder...it continues to heal good and I was only in the wound clinic for a short bit today. It wasn't needing any debriding. I go back on Friday 31st, Tuesday 4th and Friday 7th. Hopefully it won't be too many more visits after that.

Have a gOOD wEDNESDAY....g'nite....

Feelings from gdaughter Mel...

We truly luv u more than ever and please don't give up on pappy/us or life...you have a lot of life's lessons hitting you early just like your mom when she was about your age. Just look at me your grammy...I've wanted to give up so many times but I just had to think of my family...Tim, Tamra, Charli, Gary, Mel, and Erin and even our...lol...our pets too....how much I luv you all and how would it effect you all if I gave up and it has kept me going even though giving up would have been the easy way out from struggling, hurting, getting sick every year (except last two years...yeaaaaa!!)...all through your life you will have peaks and valleys and it's the strength you find in yourself, family, friends and your faith...that will help you get through it all or like pappy saz pull up your boot straps and carry on...that's all you can do. Just remember pappy has lost all his first family but has kept going on with life and now he has a fantastic second family he luvs and is hanging in there for us.

And now for our gdaughter's feelings...

Pappy;You may not be my biological grandfather but you are by far the most amazing pappy a girl like me could ask for. Each and every day I think about you and remember the times you let me style your hair; the long insightful talks that always left me feeling more aware of life. You have done so much for me and I feel like I have done nothing to help you. Now that you have been diagnosed with cancer, pappy, I dont know what to do. Your my hero and my light. You have always been so strong and you gave me hope for the future. Every summer since I was little I always looked forward to seeing your silly smile, hearing you try to say the "f" word but having it come out as "puck" always made me laugh. Pappy I really dont want to have to loose you, that would mean the end of not just my life but your families. You have touched so many hearts in your time and I know this because you are the most kind person I know; regardless of how bad you say your past was. I love you pappy very much I know you can make it through this.
Mel

She'll have to be told that she has done plenty for her pappy by leaving a twinkling stars in his eyes and giving him much joy like his daughters!


Today was rough for him because of the biopsy...hurting, tired and groggy and they had to give him a shot of morphine but it just barely took off the edge. Luckily, he doesn't remember the biopsy being done but feels tender and sore where it was done...it actually was a bone marrow biopsy on the right side as the mass was just below the skin in the hip area according to the doctor. It's just a bandaid on that spot now...we got home and he slept the rest of the afternoon til dinner and then didn't eat much...

He's hoping there is no more tests, poking and proding. He's tired of it already and says its hard on him and not sure he can hang in there. You have to try and hang in there and I don't want to discourage you but you'll be having doctor appointments for followups and blood draws for status of where the cancer is and whatever else the doctor says on Wednesday. I cried for him...I don't want to see him hurt, I know what its like and don't want to see him go through it.

Wish...wish...wish...wish...as he says if wishes were fishes nobody would be hungry...lol....

gOOD nIGHT....

Tears...

Tears have really flowed tonight after reading the letter our oldest sent to asklance.cmt...Tim says somehow his girls always keep surprising him and they are joyous tears too. We have felt the same way Charli has about her sister in that Tamra has an old soul for her age of 21 years. Instead of being a singer or a dancer she has worked with kids since 9th grade in Sunday School and then her job with the childrens' reading hour and this is why she has chosen a major in Elementary Education.

Tamra asked my opinion the other day about a part time job as an orientation counselor for the summer with room and meals. I told her to go for it and apply. Her dad is very insistant that she finish her last year and half of college and get her Bachelor Degrees in teaching and move on with her career and not to worry about us. We have plenty offers of help and we will take the offers when the time comes. Tamra has done plenty for her mom with doctor appointments, etc when he wasn't able to get away from work. Her sister Charli has done plenty as well even with living back East. Her opportunity will come when the ecomony and housing market improves and things fall into place to move closer. Charli's husband Gary grew up with grandparents around and has commented that their two girls are missing out on that opportunity he grew up with but their jobs took them back to Indiana six to seven years ago.

I was doing errands yesterday and left him at home. It seems to be getting harder for him to get around without hurting alot and getting tired easily. In between the running around, the music was playing on the radio and I just started crying. The tears seem to be coming more often now even with him. I even stopped at his work and gave Michele a time off work slip and we chatted and I was feeling more reassured. After getting home the doctor called and said he did want to do the biopsy and that the hospital would be calling to schedule the appointment. Later in the day they did call and his biopsy is scheduled for Monday at 11:30 a.m. MST so we have to leave here at 8:30 a.m. He can't take one of his meds until after the biopsy so he's having to up the lortabs from four hours to three just to get by. No food after midnight except clear liquids such as water, apple juice or sprite. The procedure will take two to threes with prep time, procedure time, and recovery from anesthesia to which I am the designated driver...lol...a lit'l humor there. Then his appointment with the doctor is on Wednesday afternoon and we will know the results and the treatment plan.

We had a lazy day today to recoup on rest from the busy week and with me having another appointment with the wound clinic tomorrow morning. He's going to stay home. There's no need for him to go and just get wore out and more tired. Not only that, it's getting harder for him to get around with his right leg bothering him too...he alternates between one crutch and his cane.

His bro Ed and family (some) came down for visit for couple of days to see him. Tim was breaking down in front of them and like I said its getting harder to hold back the tears. He mentioned he wants to be around for when Tamra graduates and gets married in the future and his gdaughters too. It was a surprise and a good visit for him. Susan brought her son Dillon and he's only three months old...so precious. We took pictures so I'll try to post them here too.

Uhhhhm, I even went out last night at ten to Walmart to find a shower chair for him and also got a tub grip handle to help him get out as our tub is deep. It's one of those not jacuzzi's but ahhh, must be getting tired can't think of the name of it...maybe whirlpool...anyway...also, keep getting these emails for a Hovearounds. If he keeps going like I see him doing, he may need one sooner than he wants. I just think the changes in him are or seem to be too fast.

Your love and prayers are still needed and appreciated. Hoping you and yours all doing well and happ:D....

Have a TGIF and super duper wEEKeND!!!!

I give THANKS....from our oldest sent to asklance

Lance,

Here is my story about what/why I give thanks.

It was about April 1985 when my mom and I moved to the Mesquite Nevada area, as mom says we were heartbroken and lost since the passing of her father (my grandfather) in November 84. We had done alot of moving around since grandpa's death so we decided it was best to stay put and work through our pain.

So I started school, mind you I was 14 at the time, mom found a job and we started to piece our lives together again. I think it was in summer that mom met a man by the name of Tim Shaner and began dating. Never having my real father in my life since mom and him divorced when I was 1; I was not too accustomed to sharing my mom with another person. Don't get me wrong mom dated before she met Tim but I guess there was something different about him that made me protective of her.

It was sometime in the fall when we moved in with Tim and his son Cajon. This was totally new to me and I didn't want any part of it; so I rebelled alot!!! Tim was always loving and very kind to both my mother and I so I had no right to distrust this man. They had to make a trip to Las Vegas the following April and while there Dad said they should make it right and get married; so they did. Eventually Tim asked that we call a truce and compromise with one another for my mothers sake. This was one of many many lessons I have learned from the man I now call my DAD!!!

Yes I said DAD; you see he never gave up on me. He showed me what it is like to have a Dad that loves you unconditionally no matter my mistakes. Dad loved all us kids unconditionally!!! My brother Cajon was diagnosed with some mental problems and had addiction problems too but that didn't change how he loved his son. And when I got in trouble at school for missing too many days he was there to talk to the Vice Principle asking to let me continue the rest of the year.

During this time God blessed my Dad and mom with a beautiful baby girl. They named her Tamra Rochelle Shaner and they raised her together to be the most beautiful person inside and out. The strength this woman of 21 years has is one of a person way beyond her years.

Sometime after my sister was born my mom was diagnosed with sarcoidosis. This can affect any part of your body but for her it affected her lungs making it difficult to breath. Mom has lived and continues to live with this disease and other health problems. And you know my dad never once thought I can't do this, I can't/don't want this responsibility. We stayed a family and he stayed by mom's side through all these years of ups/downs of health problems, hospitalizations, and mounting medical bills.

In a short period of time I learned what it meant to be a Daddy's girl. I even asked him to give me away the first time I got married. And when I divorced a year later and my Ex was calling asking Dad to talk some sense into me; he said she is my daughter and I stand by her decisions.

Now I have been married for 16+ years to my wonderful husband Gary with 2 beautiful girls Melissa (15) and Erin (13). We live in Indiana and my dad and mom still live in Mesquite Nevada, so you see this is quite a distance but we email, talk, text and visit in the summers. I am very proud to call this man my DAD and for my children to have the best Grandfather and young girls could ever dream of. He would give you the shirt off his back literally if he knew it would help you and always told me that if I ever needed/wanted to come home the door was always open. He lets Melissa do crazy wacky unthinkable things to his hair and even lets her take pictures of it LOL!!! That is awesome.

Cajon, a son and brother passed on in May 05. This was hard on the whole family, but I believe it was very hard for my dad as Cajon was the last one of his first family to pass on to heaven. So now all his children with his first wife Pam look down on Dad and watch him with the loving eyes that he gave to them when they were here with us.

This man, a Dad, husband, friend, neighbor has just been told he has cancer. We as of Oct. 23 are still awaiting some results of tests they have done to find out what kind of cancer and the treatments he may be involved in. And although this saddens me alot!!!!! I am very thankful that I have this man to call my dad and all the lessons of life I have learned from him. Love conquers all, love never leaves, and when life gets tough we stick together and pull our boot straps up and walk together.

So I give thanks for Tim Shaner my dad! And I can't forget my mom, sister and all my family.

Sincerely,

Charlene Shales

Mellow...

This morning came early but we were up and out of here at 7:30 a.m. and headed to Georgetown. We checked in at imaging in the hospital and he got his nuclear shot which it takes
three to four hours to get through all his bones so we decided to head to the wound clinic and wait there. Just by chance they got me in early as Mandi said it was going to be busy this afternoon anyway. So it worked out just right. My shoulder is still doing good and I go back on Friday 24th, Tuesday 28th and Friday 31st. There's going to be a nice scar but at least no skin grafting is needed because I asked Mandi and she said no.

We had an hour and a half to kill so we went back to the hospital and waited there and rechecked in and he got called back at about noon. It only took about 20 minutes to run him through the scanner for the whole body bone scan. It was neat to see the body lit up on the monitor across the room. Our youngest would have been fascinated with it. If it didn't mean more years of schooling she would go into radiology technician. She's been with me at a few of my CT's, echo of the heart etc. in the past.

Anyway, because everything fell into place today and timing was just right the day didn't seem too long for the both of us. I had a short night of sleep and after 1 a.m. he said all he did was doze and wake up til he finally got up at 4 a.m. BUT he did remember to take all his meds and so the pain was more bearable. He even used his cane all day today...that right leg is really giving him fits...
He commented tonight he's tired of hurting and all the doctor and test appointments. He actually cried in front of me tonight and said he was sorry he was putting all this on me and I told him that it wasn't his fault that I'm here for him...he stood by me through my health problems. He does have one more test before we see oncologist on Wed, Oct 29th. We just couldn't see waiting two weeks for results so we had appointment changed from Nov 3rd to Oct 29th...the doctor did call today and said he wanted a biopsy done and his office would call tomorrow Wednesday 22nd with the place and appt time. He hopes it's this week to get it out of the way...me too!!!

Our oldest surprised her dad with a package sitting at the door when we got home today...it was a laptop for him to use and help occupy his time...games or surfing the net...he doesn't know anything about them...just what he sees us women in his life doing on the computer....

Yeah, was laughing today and told him the texts were from the girls...that the women in his life are keeping an eye on him...he just smil:D....

Good night...

Wow...long day!

Wow, it has been a long day especially for him...we went to Georgetown and had his CT of the abdomen and liver done. He had to drink this white stuff every fifteen minutes til it was gone and then had to wait another hour after that and then he got called back for the CT. He was up early (me too) and ate early like 6 a.m. and then after that he could only have clear liquids. After all was done we finally went to Wendy's and had lunch at 3 p.m.

Since Friday's doctor appointment, he's having more pain in right shoulder and right leg especially today besides his left fractured arm. He's really used that cane to help him get around today. I will have to say having the mp3 player at appointment helped and he enjoyed that. Saturday when I was putting it together for him and adding a few extra songs that I thought he might like...some of the songs were getting to me and I was tearing up and double fisting and getting mad....yeah, no I can't do this...pulled myself together real fast...
I asked him tonight if he thought about using my walker that I used when I my knee/leg was operated on in 2003. He reminded me he couldn't use it because of his left arm...that's right! and I said a wheelchair would help but he couldn't wheel it nor could I push it...

Love Divine by Seal is playing and it starts out with the sound of rain...I wished it was raining right now to make the air fresh and clean and make things right!...sorry, I guess it's sinking in more and I'm worried....

Sorry, I guess I'm going to sign off for tonight. I've got to get up at 5 a.m. for Georgetown for both of us tomorrow...his bone scan whole body and I need my shoulder redress at post-op wound center and yes, it's going to be another long day again. We won't have to go to Georgetown again until Friday for my shoulder again.

gOOD nIGHT...have a super duper tUESDAY!!!!

Some Fun... :D

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Musical...

Hey, I finally got the mp3 player loaded with music for him. I forgot how long it takes since it's been a while since I did mine. Mine took longer because I had to listen to the music before I chose what to put in my playlist. All he had to do was look at the song and knew what he wanted...I know what I'll load next time for me with listening...I'm into techno, trance, etc. more the instrumental stuff...but always a variety like him. He picked out Country (of course), Big Band, Oldies But Goodies, Jazz, maybe some Pop but mostly Country....

Yeah, the change in meds for pain helped him to sleep almost all night. The pain only bothers him when his arm jerks from nerves-natural body movement, etc whatever you want to call it or when he slightly bumps it against anything. He says when I touch him on his arm it doesn't hurt so I'm okay doing so as long as I don't do it hard or bump him there.

Our youngest went out and got Jack a fleece blanket (its' just some material-just happened to have paw prints on it) from the store and I cut it in half. Hopefully, he'll stay warmer this winter and its not here yet and he's already shivering in his bed. The reason for doing this...he likes to snuggle up in my blue fleece blanket that I cover up with on the couch and I'm not about to put it on the floor or in his bed...lol...

Well, I'm going to call this quits and relax and watch "Toughest Jobs" and then some movies...have a Super Sunday...gOOD nIGHT!!!!!

Strong...

Oct 15 Right arm - good
Oct 15 Left arm - fractured with cancer in bone
June 2008 Left arm - good


Strong comes in many different forms...I have to add to what I blogged a few days ago about
how everyones situations or problems are just as important but with varying degrees. I have
thought the same thing...cried is it ever going to quit, ease up until I heard about a book called,
"Strong at the Broken Places" by Richard M. Cohen. After reading his book, I felt my situation
was nothing compared to those mentioned in his book. Some of us have been there or are there
now but we can find strength where and how we least expect even when we have more added to
us. I still feel that the stories are more than what he and I are dealing with...Richard Cohen even
has a website about the people in his book if you want to check it out.

http://www.strongatthebrokenplaces.com/

Just a quick thought on my shoulder, I was at the wound clinic again today and it was good news.
My shoulder is responding and healing like they hoped. So, maybe just two more trips next week.
Now, if only I had known there was a wound clinic in Georgetown I would have been there after
the first surgery back end of February....Now, I don't have to worry about that anymore and be
concerned with him and do whatever I can.

He saw the oncologist and he was really nice and helpful. So was his assistant K. She's a registered nurse/nurse practitioner...There was no needle biopsy done today. The doctor wants to do some more blood work
and CT of the abdomen and pelvis and a Bone scan (whole body-that's not the same as the bone density already done). The blood work was done today before I went to the wound clinc. The other two appointments will be on Monday 20th and Tuesday 21st. After the reports all get back he'll decide at what point to go in and do a needle biopsy and usually it takes using the CT machine to guide them in doing it. The doctor even said that depending on the reports he could decide to do a bone marrow biopsy...to which Tim said you'll have to put me out as I don't like needle or pain. The doctor said he would. Then we go back on Monday, Nov 3rd to get all the info from the doctor. I know its more sit and wait but in the mean time he says we will still continue on with our lives like before. K did inform him that his meds dosage would be changed that there is no such thing as pain. He's now to go from one lortab every three hours (or two every six hours) to two every four hours. He said it sure makes a difference but still has some pain...I hope it helps him to sleep better and not every few hours...

The pictures above are to show how much of a change there has been in his left arm since the accident on September 25th and comparing his arm to a picture taken in June when the oldest daughter and her family were out here for summer vacation. The gkids were only told that pappy has cancer in his arm where it has a pathological fracture in the humerus until we know more. Each granddaughter pretty much took it the way I thought as mentioned in an earlier blog.

I wish I could put a shield over all my kids, gkids to keep them from hurting and I'm sure all parents feel that way with theirs. My biggest thing is when I'm tired I cry more and it's harder to hold it back. Today has been one of those days a couple of times...just the right words were said by the nurse practioner at the wound clinic that I couldn't hold back so I let a bit out and she hugged me and said "Bless your heart". It helped until I talked with our oldest daughter and I couldn't hold back but managed to pull myself together because she was needing me and sure do HOPE that I helped her. Maybe she needs to blog to help her as I find it helps me. He did notice that I had tears when he went out for a cig in the yard away from me and when I got off the phone he said he apologized that he was making everyone cry. I told him he can't stop it that it's going to happen and hopefully we'll be strong and supportive for each other and we'll get through it. Our youngest daughter most the time has her emotions tucked away until she's ready to let go and talk with me or her dad or even special friends. Our youngest gdaughter noticed something bothering mom and asked her dad and he explained to her that her mom was concerned about pappy and the cancer and our gdaughter turned to her mom and said it'll be alright.

Today was a long day up at 430 a.m. he was and I got up at 530 a.m. and got home about 1:30 p.m. He waited for me in the lobby where the seating was more comfortable and also so he could go have a cig...yeah, he knows he shouldn't be smoking. We went to Costco to look for something then went to lunch at Wendy's and he said the lunch was good. He doesn't eat a whole lot anymore either but does have three meals usually even if something small. So to unwind tonight we kicked back and watched "Maid of Honor"...it was different...
Our youngest came home tonight for the weekend sort of...lol...she has a friend's babyshower to go to tomorrow and then do a turn around back to Vegas for homecoming and then another turn around to bring boyfriend home and go back on Sunday for work on Monday morning...Well, I think I'm rambling again so I'm going to say good night and it may be a few days...hopefully I'll get that mp3 player loaded with music for him tomorrow...

GOOD NIGHT and enjoy your wEEKeND!!!

p.s. I do hope that this isn't going out more than once after I realize I have more errors that I didn't catch
the first, second and third time...lol...yeah I check it that much....mwah to all and take care!!!!!

Happ:D...

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaa....we went to Georgetown (StG) for my left shoulder at the wound clinic. The post-op wound is healing but needs a little help so I don't end up having a third surgery...

It's a matter of debriding (scraping) the skin and cleaning with saline solution and packing the little tunnel I have on one side of the wound. I'm going to say it was about 1/2 inch in length after she pulled out the instrument for measuring the size...it will be packed with a tiny piece of silver packing and taped up and not to get wet...then I'll go back again Friday 17th for new packing. Also, again next week on Tuesday and Friday and hopefully that will be it. It's always been said that it has to heal from inside out and with it scabbing over that tunnel had developed and would have been a breeding ground for an infection as it needs to be open to heal inward out...They suggested for the tenderness and pressure while doing this debridment to take a lortab and I refused as I'm the one driving for him and I and though it may be bothersome it's not bad enough to take a Lortab which I don't really like anyway. I have to admit I broke a few tears but more in the fact I am a little bit tired and that's when my tears flow more...but I talked myself down and pulled myself together and did okay for the rest of the procedure. When she left the room, I turned to him and he had his lips puckered up like he was mad and I said it was okay...I'm alright...he didn't like to see me hurt and cry...I'm fine. Oh, she does/did use topical lidocaine and told me to remind them each time I come in to have them use it to help with some of the discomfort. I didn't have to use the lortab after the surgery. Anyway, it looks like no hyperbaric oxygen chamber or skin grafting...whoo hoo....

Now for him...he did go and it sort of wore him out even with just sitting and a little walking so I told him if he
wants to stay home Tuesday he can unless the oncologist needs to see him the same day...like this Friday 17th
we'll both be seeing the doctors...different times and opposite sides of the hospital....you could tell several times today that he was hurting by the expression on his face...we finally got home and resting up and going to watch the last debate. I'm actually going to make this short and kick back. Today has been kind of long and tiring but I'm more concerned about Friday with having to leave the house @ 8am to get to Georgetown (time zone change) for his appointment at 10:30 a.m. and as new patient there will be paperwork to fill out before seen...hopefully we won't be with the oncologist those four hours as my appointment is at 2:30pm.

One last thing...kind of funn:D...the nurse Kathy said to nurse Meagan that it was sweet how those two (him and I) interact together...I looked at him and just smiled and told the nurses what else can we do but be there for each other and be supportive. It's the only way to get through all of this...he stood with me all these years with my health and I will stand with him now in his time of health issues...I'm tired and feel I'm just rambling...have a good evening and a B E A U T I F U L dAY 2morrow...good night

Heartfelt...

It's very much heartfelt by him and I the way all are responding...putting him/us in your prayers which are very much appreciated and I don't mean for my blog to make anyone feel sorry for our heavy load or to feel ashamed for their situations they are having...everyones situations or problems are important just with varying degrees...

This is to keep family and friends informed and anyone else who wants to know and have it straight on the well being of him. The way we are handling the situation, being strong and supportive of each other. I'll do anything for this man in my life and vise versa. He's been there for me over the years since my diagnosis of "Sarcoidosis" in 1989. Always sick every year with pneumonias around the holidays (first several years seemed like everytime I turned around I was sick), sometimes ending up in the hospital (which I would fight going in but sometimes it didn't work...lol...and I've been pneumonia free the last two years, hopefully this holiday will make it three years) and having a procedure done on my lungs in 1997 and almost losing me and being really sick with pneumonia (2004) holidays and thinking I was over it and then somehow my knee got infected and hurting and spreading down to my foot and going to the hospital and having a scope put in my knee and cleaning the infection and fixing a meniscus tear but the leg was still hurting and going in for a second surgery because the MRI showed I had a cyst in my calf that had broken up and spread which was causing most of the pain...being laid up for three months and then out patient PT for several months...being on an antibiotic for ten months to be sure the infection wouldn't come back...then only to find out from the doctor after I was taken off the antibiotic that the doctor didn't think I was going to make it when I first went into the hospital Feb 2005...I was really that sick with infection in knee/leg and still had pneuemonia from holidays which I thought was cleared up...

So you see you can be strong and supportive for each and still make it through because you are going through it together...don't get me wrong we both have our moments recently (and I know there will be definitely more in the future as we get more info) and our highs and lows in the past but we together got through it...somehow I have found other strength that I didn't know I had to do what needs to get through together and I do rest up so I don't get too wore out. My mom is having her problems with her health and understanding now what I've been going through all these years with my breathing cause of the sarcoidosis in the lungs and our daughters say if I can do it and get through so can they...he is finally understanding now why I was always wanting to sleep and not having strength to do much or go anywhere...so, if I can be of help by journaling in this blog or be an inspiration to others to help them get through anything...I'm glad I can help that way but ...pssst it feels kind of odd. I didn't think I could or would be helpful in that way...so whose to question especially me...there's a reason for why things are and happen...

Well, I think this is super good new...our nephew is back home stateside...WHOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!! He called us tonight and boy it was good to hear his voice...I/we hope he doesn't have to go back....and somehow I lost all time thinking he had left just this past spring...time has gotten away again...GLAD TO HAVE SCOTT HOME!!!!

Okay, he is optimistic for when we checked the mail today his workers comp check was there so that is a relief off his mind...now to wait and see about what the oncologist has to say Friday and hoping he does the needle biopsy that day...

It's like this morning he was saying, "I feel the doctor is right about me having cancer but I hope when I see the oncologist that he's wrong". I told him the doctor said he had cancer just didn't know what type or the stage thats why the needle biopsy to find out. He said I didn't have to burst his bubble that he can hope and I said I know because I'm hoping for the BEST too! (I think this is what they call a part of denial)....as far as staging its decided by 0-4 with 4 being the worst put after each letter and T stands for Tumor and N stands for lymphnodes (so if not in lymphnodes it would be N-O) and M for metastasis (spread-example would be an M-2) so we would be looking for the doctor to let us know the TNM and the numbers behind it along with the type of cancer whether lungs, thyroid, liver, etc...

Anyway, this is long enough and I have a doctors appointment late morning tomorrow to see what the wound doctor wants to do with my left shoulder in getting it to heal since the second surgery. So good night til tomorrow or another day.

The love is there and always will be...the little saying above is how I'd like to feel but that's not being realistic...

Ummm...

Ummm...just trying to make phone calls today and get a few things done before Friday appt for him...Then I get a call from the wound doctors office for me to come in Wednesday 15th to get my shoulder checked out and see what needs to get done to help it to finish healing better...

Saturday night he slept again another five hours straight...but last night he didn't...he was up every few hours...while daughter was home from college over weekend she had the spare room and her dad had our room and I slept on the couch...so when he finally got up...I woke up long enough to use bathroom and went right back to sleep on the couch...found out later in the morning after I got up that he hoped I wouldn't be mad...he was watching me sleep and listening to my breathing...how is sounded rattled and deep and he was worrying about me...no I wasn't mad but I sure was fighting the tears back...I'm trying to keep myself together and it's hard at times when certain things are said or done...too much emotions and I know the flood gates are gonna open one of these days and it'll be hard to shut them off...lol...gotta laugh here off and on just to know we can go on with life and as he says, "Pull up your boot straps and go on"...

See he was married before and lost two daughters at birth (stillborn) and then lost his first wife in a single rollover car accident. Then he lost his first son by suicide. He wanted to be with his mom and the coroner told him not to blame himself that the son knew what he was doing as it was a clean shot. Then he lost his last son...wow...it's been three years now...May 26, 2005 to accidental over dose...he had some mental issues too and Tim felt he was never the same after coming back from the Gulf War (Kuwait)...and he couldn't kick Cajon out and sure it made it rough for all of us but we went on and tried to life as normal as possible...it would have been easier to do so and Tim even told him there's the door if you want to go...Cajon did one time but came back cause he had no where to go...so all of Tim's first family is gone but he's thankful and lucky he has a beautiful wife and two loving daughters he adores...and these are words that come from him...this is why he says you can't let life get you down and you need to pull your boot straps up and go on...

Well, better get off here and see about getting that laundry done and maybe try to vacuum.. hahahahaha...with my health it can take me three days to clean the house when I do it...

hAVE a gOOD dAY...
me <3

Birthday Wishes...

Son-in-Law

There once was a daughter
Resourceful and smart

Who picked out a great guy
And gave him her heart

So when it's his b-day
Best wishes are due

For that Prince of a Guy
And of course that means You...

Happ:D B-day Son...
Sis, dad and mom

Alicia 2008

Better...

Today was a better day...he managed to stay on his meds and get through the day okay...he actually tried sleeping in bed and slept five hours straight before getting up...he just caught me
going to bed at 2 a.m....
Yeah, ooooppps!!!! I was up late journaling...tonight I'm not...

It has been a pretty quiet day and just taking it easy and resting...he went to coffee this morning and visited with Owen and Gloria. He said they were talking about stuff from the past and how each person has their own version of what they remember. He also went to coffee tonight and Red came and got him...

I just remembered he did get out his cane to help stable himself and help him get up since his legs and knees are hurting...some of it could be this cooler weather too...

The mail had the two letters from Workers' Comp but no check...I think he's a bit worried on making it if WC takes too long...they said the check was mailed out Thursday and will be every two weeks...oh and the bone density report wasn't in the mail either as we need it to take to doctor on 17th...

Well, I going to go and will journal more later. Good night.

Not sure...

Not sure where to start tonight. I guess I should have journaled last night but was too tired. I feel like my brain is in a fog and trying to keep things straight. It's like the rest of me is doing okay at times but can't get my head out of the fog...I feel journaling is helping as I go back and read it again. Some teariness and smiling, too but mostly waiting and trying to stay in the moment.

I had errands this morning and he said he was up to going. We went and got him an inexpensive mp3 player so we could do a playlist of Country and Western, maybe Big Band music too...maybe some other music he likes if its on a CD...Then stopped to check the mail and no check yet from workers' comp or a letter. He said we'd have to put a call into them and find out where the letter is that Human Resources has...to which she gave us a copy of it. Then we went to Smiths to get refill on his pain meds. It wasn't ready yet so we went through the store to get some groceries...we didn't even get one third of the way through and he said he was getting too tired and weak in the legs. I told him to go sit down and I'd finish up and get the Rx...came home and had lunch and he went to sleep.

I was right about last night he was up shortly after I got off here but he didn't stay up very long...since all of this has happened the lights on the frig door are left on and the tv in case he can't sleep then he can watch but also be able to see without turning all the lights on which can sometimes wake me up. You don't close doors on me unless I do it...I guess this all came sometime after having problems with my lungs. Yeah, I know I'll get to that soon enough...

As I'm sitting here listening to "Enigma" music...soothing, passionate, desirous, sadness, innocence, tearful and more...as I journal. One of my favorites is "The Piano"...I sometimes have this vivid imagination and did with both my girls when they were little and growing up...I would describe in detail a picture for them to see in their own mind and sometimes I still remind them of it...Like this song in my mind makes me feel like I'm in a floaty dress and swaying, swirling to the music and stepping around him...omg...get my mind back here...

I use to work for an oilfield company in Wyoming as an office manager to do billing for the oilfield rental tools that Oil companies used to drill for oil or when tools got stuck in the hole and the fishermen...not the fish you eat...lol...it's a term for an experienced person who got the pipe, etc out of the hole that was stuck...it's been many years since doing that and don't remember half the tool names....I have to say the one thing I hated most about that job was the smell from when the welders when they were welding on pipe or tools that had sour gas on it...omg that made me so sick to stomach and felt like I had heartburn....but somehow I got strayed from the story of imagination...I would at times go to the shops in Casper, Riverton, Evanston to help train someone else to do the billing out of those stores...I worked out of the Rock Springs store...I love the job...

With Charli she would go with me on the trips to the other stores and I would start describing the land scape and mountains around us and have her visualize what it would be like in the pioneer days...riding on your horse and keeping an eye out for the Indians and make the sound of shooting and yah yah and wooo wooo wooo etc and she would start laughing...

With Tam when she was little and to keep her occupied when we went out to dinner at the Peppermill; we would be sitting in a booth and with all the foliage and dimness of lights I would start telling her that...I know this is all funn:D and has nothing to do what today but...have you ever heard of "Ralph the Mouse" you know the little half hour show of a white mouse on a motorcycle...????
Ohhhh, I even have to say I love watching his movies...anyway, I would describe what Ralph was doing on the back of the booths and how he was hiding from everyone and say see there he goes on his motorcycle, etc...it worked and I've never had a problem with her when out for dinner....lol...

I was suppose to be watching movies cause they are due back at the library tomorrow but I'm enjoying the journaling and listening to the music...keeps me focused and determined...

Shaun was a sweetheart and mowed the lawn for him but I asked first if he was up to it as he just got off work and hadn't been home yet. He works graveyard at the same plastics plant as Tim. He also took him to get bag of potassium chloride for the water softener while I took Jack to the groomers yesterday. Then I fixed hotcakes and eggs for Shaun...

Tam came home from college for the weekend at least til Sunday...to finish getting rested up and know someone was close by if she needed some motherly healing and love...see she either had the 24hour bug or she got food poisoning...and her dorm roommate was going home for the weekend too so she would have been by herself.

Red came and got him for coffee and I'm not so sure he was really up to it. He said he was okay and by the time he came back he was hurting so bad...He did it again and went twelve hours since his last pain med. Babe you can't do that...he was trying to get off them again and he's finding out he's not able...he says he hurts all over including his legs and especially his knees...he feels like he's loosing all his muscle strength...he was showing Tam the difference between his two arms and his left arm that's fractured is nothing but almost skin and bone...there's no muscle bulk like you see in his other arm...I'm sorry but I'm having a moment and I'm afraid it's worse than what we want it to be....by just the way he's acting and feeling and thinking back on the different things in the past...how the box fell on his right shoulder in November 2006 and always feeling tired, doing less and less around the house and chalking it up to old age creeping up...saying he hurts all the time and can't find anything to help even thru the doctor and then not liking to take pills...he'll quit taking them cause he feels they aren't helping...

We were talking today and feels thing are so up in the air and not sure what to do because we don't have all the info on what kind and stage etc and what and how long the treatments before surgery for the rod in his arm...and how he wants me to do certain things or gets certain things...I was fighting back the tears when he ws talking that way...It reminds me of things my mom said about my dad after he past away and how certain things were said and done by dad...that mom said he must have known his time was close. I remember that time I was working as waitress on graveyards and was getting ready to quit and go help mom with dad but that didn't work out. One night I was working and mom called me and said he had passed away in the hospital...and I'd hate to see my girls have to go through that although Charli already has with her grandfather and you would think something like would prepare you for the future and it never does. Everything happens for a reason and I thank God that Gary is there for Charli because I feel she going to really need his support if it was to come to that...see Gary's folks have both passed away. His dad was on oxygen for lung issues and his mother had cancer. They, Charli and Gary I feel are stronger people today and that together they will handle telling their girls that their "pappy" (grandpa Tim) has cancer and which the granddaughters will find out this weekend. I'm not sure how the youngest will take it...she's quiet, creative, smart but I think unsure of herself at times...the oldest will get mad and probably rebellious but she's strong and will realize it happens for a reason but that it's not fair...that she feels she keeps getting hurt when she gets close to anyone...I wish they lived closer so I could be there for them too...

MaryAnn at the docs...was trying to comfort me one time and said she could see it in my eyes that I'm always trying to take care of everyone else and that I need to start thinking of myself and live for me so I can live for my family...See my doctor has suggested it's time I get on a lung and/or heart/lung transplant list...because if for some reason I was to get worse down the road and I wasn't prescreened and on the transplant list I wouldn't be able to get one and it would be too late...I don't want to put my family in a financial burden I just can't do that...it was recommended to me years ago but I was doing good and only on oxygen at night...
but since 2005 I have been on oxygen 24/7's...I'm still maintaining like I have all these years since 1989 when I was told I had sarcoidosis...that's knodule growths in the lungs...it can show up anywhere in your body but mine is in the lungs and it happens to be chronic not like most people who get it and have it for awhile and then go dormant for a long time...No, they don't know what causes it and how to treat it...I've been on prednisone, then they tried methotrexate and that didn't work for me...then they tried choltricine (I think it's spelled right) and that didn't either. So I'm back on prednisone and at one time I went a whole year without taking it except when I got sick with pneumonia and boy did I ever get pneumonia when I first started out...Every time I turned around I was sick bronchitis, pneumonia and it would hit me fast and hard to where my chest and back hurt so bad I couldn't breathe...over time the pneumonias were less but hit me slower and I would always doubt whether I was getting sick or not...I've been to the National Lung Center in Denver and I loved the doctor who did the procedure which is called "bronchoplasty" I was able to breathe better as he opened up my airways as much as he could on my right lung...he said my right lung looked like it was salt and peppered with the knodules and alot of the airways were closed off and what ones he was able to stretch open (for example straight pin head to eraser head size) wasn't much but it made a big difference to me in breathing...my insurance changed and so I tried another doctor in Utah and made the wrong choice. I should have stayed with the Denver doctor even if meant more money out of our pocket...the doctor didn't read my medical records well or at all according to my niece who Tam and I was staying with and it was suppose to be a same day procedure...I woke up in the ICU the next day...I flat lined on the doctors during the procedure...they said I tried to tell them I couldn't breathe when coming out of the anestesia and I quit breathing...I was intabated (you know the tube down the throat) when I woke up I couldn't breathe and my hands were strapped down to the bed railing...YOU DON"T WANT TO EVER PEN OR TIE ME DOWN...I managed to get my face somehow over to my hand and yanked the hose out of my mouth...and I set off alarms and the nurses came running in and said I can't do that...Yeah I can I just did and I can't breathe with it ON!!!! So they gave me an oxygen mask and I promised them I would breathe deep...anyway, Tam was scared I found later and Tim couldn't get away from work so with phone calls everyone was keeping in touch to see how I was doing and I was in hospital for a week and then stay with my niece for a few days...I felt so weak and I was so bruised on my arms...the IV's and probably from me tugging to get loose...I wanted to come home so bad and I don't know that my body was really ready but I had to...Our anniversary of first meeting each other was coming up and I wanted to be home...with Tam in hand we left Salt Lake City and drove to Southern Nevada...I was crying on the way home and I just had this strong feeling that I had to be home...after getting home I wouldn't go anywhere...couldn't handle anything, I was afraid of anything and everything around me but not of dying...go figure...it took Dr Sharon to listen to me and put me on antidepressant for awhile and you know I didn't stay on it for long maybe a month...I didn't like the way it made me feel and I couldn't keep being afraid and couldn't do that to my family and Dr Sharon made me finally realize that and I snapped out of it...

Anyway, I need to end for tonight and journal tomorrow...or tonight and I will try not to have it too long...Prayers are needed for hoping the doctor has caught it in time and that everything will be okay. Good night. Much luv to all...

Optomistic...

The feelings are good and up right now...Both of us are tired. I'm going to cut this short and journal tomorrow. I do have a correction that I realized later today that I made on his next appointment. It's the 17th not the 19th...lol...I'm sure the doctor would be working on a Sunday...tehe

I did get my flu shot after I saw doctor today about my shoulder. Good news not infected but I will have more doctor appointments with a wound doctor. He will have to decide if antibiotics, hyperbaric oxygen vchamber and/or skin graph to help it heal better...another working progress of it healing which I was told from first surgeon who did it back in February. Maybe tomorrow I will give a short version of my health. Good night.

Worried...

Last night late while journaling...he was moaning in his sleep. I turned and looked and he was trying to move to the good side. Yesterday, his right shoulder was bothering him and I didn't realize it but he's been trying to back off the pain meds as well as today. I asked why and he said he didn't want to be taking them that he would try to put up with the pain...that's foolish don't totally go off if your hurting that bad.

He gets up every couple of hours during the night. He still bounces from his chair to the couch. He'll nap in his chair during the day if I'm needing to nap as well. There are times this past week I have had to take several naps to keep me going. So far I'm holding up and not getting too run down and I've even dropped two pounds over this past week...whoo hoo...

Between phone calls and keeping up with everything, I think I got all the bases covered. I've got notes going so I don't loose track whats going on with him and workman's comp and the health insurance and whom I've talked with because I'm still trying to keep my health maintained. It's another story and soon I'll explain and maybe some will understand as family and friends already know...By the way his next appointment is Friday, October 19th with the oncologist. Wish it was sooner because the wait sometimes is too much...

Our daughters and I feel things happen for a reason-Tam going to college and getting a new job and making new friends with an associate who has cancer and it is helping her to understand and learn and cope. Researching the web and learning more (Tam and I) and understanding what the doctor is saying (me) when he was telling us. I knew what the next step was before he said it was a needle biopsy to find out where it originated from and stage. The reading of Suzanne Somer's book and reading stuff in it and understanding her steps of going through chemo and how a lot of patients don't always follow through with all their appointments. Just what has come about and thinking back it's probably been all for a reason. With Charli
so far away, I'm trying to keep her informed as much as possible and telling her the websites to check so I know that what I've explained she understood and if not she can read more on it. I'm glad she has certain friend to talk with as well as Gary her hubby. Conversing through texting with her today and then actually talking on the phone I noticed her voice welt up and I'm trying to keep it together and then the facet opened up and I quietly for a few seconds let it come out and she asked if I was alright and I managed to pull myself together and said that I was okay and that it does hit me from time to time. I believe a little bit more today. I think it's starting to sink in more and yes, I'm still trying to stay in the moment although it is hard....

I don't think I was really going to talk about this and I should journal when I think of things but don't want to be doing it several times a day. You might get bored with it...lol...
We just kicked back today. He slept off and on and has been trying to keep up on the news on the economy and the market. We've lost over $10,000 so far this year and I know it's nothing compared to those who've lost even more or all in the market. Last year wasn't any better either about the same. Anyway, enough of that subject.

I've offered to get him his westerns from the library in either reading or books on CD's but he doesn't want that. He was looking for some music on CD's from the carousel and he was squatting like he always does but couldn't get up this time. I had to help lift him up. He's always been physical and to see him weak like this is odd.
After getting up, I asked if he was alright and he said he wasn't sure anymore. This has never happened to him before and he's worried. He still wants to listen to music but doesn't want to have to change the records, cd's or cassettes too much of a hassel...yeah, we have some of the old formats of music. We even still have an old 8track and 4track...lol...at one time had a reel to reel....Anyway, I suggested putting the western radio station on and he was happy with that. I was busy doing other things and/or on the internet so it didn't bother me (pssst the TV was still on too but muted...lol). I have a bad habit of multi-tasking a lot...lol...

Time got away from me and he was up and getting ready to go to coffee with Red a friend who comes by to get him otherwise I take him. Today it was only him and Red. Owen and Gloria didn't show up and Kelvin is out of town hunting. I'm glad he has that to do. It's really bothering him that the back yard grass is getting taller and poor Jack is starting to get swallowed up in it...lol...don't worry it'll get done soon...

Oh, for dinner I fixed pancakes with eggs. He's been hungry for either french toast or pancakes last few days...so I finally fixed them tonight. I made extra for the next couple days if he wants something different than his oatmeal or standby...not too many people like it when we tell them what it is...the girls like it...a standby is toast with peanut butter not too heavy and fried hard egg and cheese on it...sometimes I will ask if he wants bacon on too...not too often....so what do you think...I can't eat it myself...don't like to mix egg and peanut butter together...yuk...

Anyway, he's trying to lay in bed in the spare bedroom tonight. His back is bothering him since he hasn't been laying flat on his back for awhile. He was told sleeping upright is better but for about 15 minutes today he managed to lay flat on his back in bed. I wouldn't be surprised if he's up here in the next hour. He says he only sleeps 1 1/2 to 2 and then he's up to the bathroom and going outside and back in...and he doesn't want to disturb what sleep I get...sometimes I have my bad nights too...and I'll come out on the couch so I don't disturb him...now, he's doing it. Hopefully it won't be too long...

I am so glad the cooler weather is finally here. It was surprising today when I saw the thermostat was reading 100 and it's been 90 lately...ohhhhhhhhh and the late eve and early morns are so nice. We open up the house. I don't like being closed up and dislike it when it gets too cold or too hot and have to close up the house.

Anyway, I think I will go for now. I have errands to do in morning. Jack needs grooming...he's such a character...lol...and maybe groceries but definitely an appointment with doctor myself for follow-up on a post-op wound from August 29 and stitches were removed September 11th but not sure healing right on my left shoulder. I will explain more on that one later. Good night...

Gdaughters....Skool pics

Melissa Ann


Erin Nicole

B E A U T I F U L....and growing up too fast...our granddaughters

Gdaughters....

OMG...we received in the mail today the most B E A U T I F U L pictures of the granddaughters. They are gorgeous...I sure do love my family...lol...I will scan them into my computer tomorrow and add them to this blog...

Too late to do it tonight, still have some other things to do before bed...Have a gOOD nIGHT!!!

Whoo hoo...luv them...lata
me <3

Pins 'n Needles...

Neither one of us slept good last night and of course, he doesn't every night anyway. The pain he has to deal with even with the meds just barely gets him by but he's trying to deal with it. I had to lay back down this morning after my breathing treatment. I was too tired and wouldn't have made it through today.

I was dreading this morning as he was going to hear the test results from the doctor. I found out tonight he had the feeling it was bad news but yet good. I told him I had this big 'ol lump in my throat and kept telling myself to take deep breathes and stay calm for him...I'm hanging in there but like him we privately have our moments. I think he's learning to be an optismist...lol...maybe. I sometimes have to be comical or try to cover up how I'm really feeling just to keep going. This is just my writings of what I'm or he is feeling and how we're getting through it together. If it doesn't make sense to anyone that's okay...it'll help me keep going and show strength for him.

One test hasn't come back which is the bone density test. The blood work came back as always good...it never shows anything wrong. Like I said it took the accident to happen to have the doctors figure something else is going on and run other tests. The CT chest and left arm showed a lesion in his left humerus where the pathologic fracture is and it also shows one in his right shoulder, right rib where he got hurt in June at work by pulling the cartilage from his ribs but also a fracture that did heal that the ER doctor didn't pick up on. He has lesions in back of neck and showing some small lesions in his liver. As far as below the waist, we are waiting for bone density results to still come in, hopefully tomorrow.

The doctor did say depending how long this takes he could probably go back to work if he was wanting to...so it's a matter of wait and see again...
He definitely will have a rod put in his left arm and bolted at shoulder and elbow to help hold humerus together to give it a chance to heal but not until he sees the onocologist doctor in St George and do a needle biopsy to determine what kind of cancer it is and where it stared from and hopefully the doctor has caught it early enough plus some other tests.

We'll know more when we see him...suppose to get that call tomorrow for the appointment. You see the surgery on his arm can't be done til the cancer is contained from either chemo or radiation or both cause if the doctor does surgery when cutting into him, doctor could spread the cancer cells...there's a website that can explain it better than me... http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec05/ch063/ch063a.html

Hope this will help if anyone wants to read it. We have let our daughters know and of course work. Workmen's comp is coming through and that's one less worry but only two-thirds of his monthly pay but it's better than nothing.

Anyway, still a lot of waiting again....til we know everything...more lata and all your prayers would be appreciated. He's not religious but believes in a higher power...

me <3

My Lit'l Girl...

My Lit’l Girl

So little words yet a lot to say,
I had my lit’l girl so many years ago and yet just yesterday.

I counted ten perfect fleshy pink fingers and toes,
A tiny blonde with big brown eyes and a lit’l button nose.

She and I loved crusin’ the boulevard and going to the parks,
With the geese, the ducks and swans to feed and singing skylarks.

Concerts on the grass, snow sledding or camping off the car,
Then grandpa’s health news started the moving of wide and far.

From Alaska to Maryland, Alaska to Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming,
Montana, Texas and finally Mesquite,
She and I found our own lit’l niche but it was yet not sweet.

So much in between and still growing and learning hard from the mistakes,
Here she and I will stay even though there are still heartaches.

Now someone special (in her mind) has come between us and makes her mad,
And down the road my lit’l girl learns she has a new dad.

Not liking the rules, she’s moving out and learns her own life’s rawness,
But with time she sees he is good and accepts it with coolness.

As the saying goes,
“Any man can be a father, but only a special
Person can be a DAD”

With her father not showing or caring at all,
She wraps her dad’s love around her like a warm shawl.

So she’s not just my lit’l girl anymore,
She’s now our lit’l girl who we adore!

@by Alicia Shaner October 2008

Tired...

We talked some more yesterday and he feels he has had an inkling something was going on. The blood work in the past that the doctors took always showed everything good but his body was saying otherwise by how he felt. I told him it could be they weren't looking and doing the right tests, that it's taken you getting hurt at work before anyone is really paying attention and running other tests FINALLY...

He has so many things running through his head about now and the future. He's not sure what he is going to do but will wait on the others to let him know what is going on and they're decisions before he makes a final decision...

And with today, I set the alarm so I could get up and do my breathing treatment and get ready to go run errands. I have to say today I feel TIRED...like this past week has finally caught up with me and I'm still not done. I have weekly chores still to do like laundry and lol...believe it or not at 55 I actually watch VH1 and CMT Top 20Videos every weekend without fail....yeah, I know but I feel young at heart and head even if my body looks and feels aged.!!!!!.....lata me <3

Appointments...Lit'l bit p/o'd...

The insurance company nurse called and asked questions and said he supposedly had an appointment with the ortho on Tuesday the 7th. I called the ortho's office and he didn't but also verified the tests to be done and it's not chest xray, mri, CT arm...it is CT of chest and arm and a bone density.

I called hospital and got them scheduled all for today at 4 p.m. and depending how long the test results take to come back, I'll schedule his follow-up appointment with ortho on 7th or 14th Tuesday. The scheduler said he had a chest x-ray in June when he had his other accident (and that's when the doctor told us he had pulled the cartilage from his ribs). The scheduler said his chest x-ray looked suspicious but couldn't discuss it with me, she wasn't a doctor. If the chest x-ray was suspicious WHY? didn't the ER doctor say something to Tim back in June so he could follow up on it and get what might need to be done. Lack of communication!!!!!!!!!!!! unless she was referring to the pulled cartilage from ribs...

Will write more later...oh, last minute thought-insurance nurse did say that his pain meds need to be a lesser dosage because when they go to do any surgery and he's on too strong of a pain meds then it's liable not to work for him when he'll really need something strong enough...I feel a lit'l bit hyper, pissed off but will stay in the moment until we talk to the doctors and get results and see about the "suspicious xray" if it was more than the pulled cartilage.

Later today, his doctors appointment is Tuesday, Oct 7th...

Quote...

The caption "Good ol' Dad...Dwarf Grumpies face...lol" taken September 2008



Okay, I said I would get his quote right and I was pretty close, "Expect the worst, Hope for the best and take whatever comes."

A certain someone special feels "her pappy is her number one hero"

We are still waiting for appointment scheduling, maybe Jennifer will call tomorrow.

I'm sitting here writing this and he's talking in his sleep. Yes, he's on the couch as it's hard for him sleep in bed until they fix his arm and I guess put it in a cast. It's been awkward and hard to sleep in bed as it hurts too much. Right now he's holds his arm like its in a sling at home (its uncomfortable wearing it around the house) but when he has to go out he uses the sling.

We're both holding our own and staying in the moment as much as possible. My youngest feels that she needs to come home this weekend from college. She told a friend she feels I'm going to need a shoulder to cry on but I actually am surprising myself today and feeling stronger than I thought.

He actually watched the "VP Debates" tonight and every so often he'd raise his voice a lit'l and say that's not right and you're not answering the question, etc...lol...I'd have to turn around and say you sound agitated...don't get so ralled up...lol

This morning I went and ran errands and when I got back he was saying how when he went out in the front or back yard he was seeing work he could do...cutting the rose bushes, pulling weeds, cutting branches on bottom of pine trees, weed the little bit of lawn we have in back but knew he couldn't. He's tired but yet restless...he's not used to sitting around.

A couple of the guys from work called this morning just before 7 a.m. and we couldn't figure out who in the heck would be calling that early...cause the girls know better...lol...it was the guys and they were checking to see what happened to him and how he was and wished him well but they had to get to work and he said he wished he was going to work!...

Feelings...

I'm having mixed feeling and trying to stay in the moment...he's had two on the job injuries within two months time this year (one last November which would make three and it's not like him to get hurt). It has taken this last one September 25, 2008 for the doctors to realize something else is going on with him. He has a saying and I'll have to put the quote down right later on but it goes something like this: "Expect the worst, Hope for the best and Bring on what it is and go on with Life". He says it better and again I will have to ask him to repeat it to me...

I'm trying to be strong and we talked some this this morning and he says after thinking back and how his body has been trying to tell him something and he has just thought it to be "Old Age" coming on as he just turned 64 years old...he's been a hard worker all his life and doesn't know anything else and slowing down is hard to do...I agreed with him because I've had to learn to slow down with my health and I have been trying to get my health on track or keep it still maintained as I have said in the past I feel I'm going to be needed to support him and be the stronger one. Staying in the moment is hard and I feel I have no one to talk to just yet until all the tests come back as to why his "left humerous shaft" got fractured/broken...the ER doctor said there was something eating away at his bone in his arm...best way I can explain the fracture is like grabbing the shoulder and elbow and pulling opposite directions and it cracks around the arm...

We are waiting for the hospital to call and schedule the appointments for a chest x-ray, MRI and CT of his arm and we got a call today to go in for a bunch of blood tests and with the results...his determination/decision will be made based on that...continue working after his arm is fixed or retire and/or go on disability...If all tests come back that whatever is going on with his arm is confined to his arm it'll be fixed but if it doesn't heal properly then he'll be sent to California or Salt Lake City for a rod to be put in his arm until it heals right...yeah, a lot of ifs and WAIT...

He's at coffee...yes, I drive him as he is on meds for the pain and I explained if he was unable to make a fast decision to prevent an accident whether someone else or him causing it...he could damage his arm even worse...so I drive...I enjoyed having him home when he was last off for four weeks from last accident but I didn't want him off like this...

I will add to this daily of my feelings and how he is doing and as the test are done and results come in...