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Roses are Red
Forget Me Nots are Blue
My Roses are White
For My Eternal You...<3


to say my Tim has passed away on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 2:47 p.m at home in Mesquite....from a yearlong battle with stage 4 kidney cancer...

Graveside services will be held on Monday, November 2, 2009 at 12:00 p.m. (noon) at the Mesquite Cemetery. Interment will be in the Mesquite Cemetery under the direction of Virgin Valley Mortuary, 702-346-6060...An online guest book is available for those not able to attend at www.virginvalleymortuary.com

Your condolenses, well wishes, prayers are all appreciated...our girls are here with me as our oldest flew in from Indiana to surprise her dad but didn't make it in time due to circumstances out of her hands and neither did our college girl...I have a sister who came out to help with Tim not knowing he would be passing so soon...she will stay with me as needed to help me sort, pack, etc...

I don't know for sure what I am going to do at this time in my life...as the first song "Thank You" by Johnny Reid plays it expresses allot of what we both felt for each other and yet a better one than that is "Thank You" by Keith Urban...a new chapter in my life is starting and it's a bit scary...

I guess I will continue this journey by myself and yes, I will continue to blog...I still have my artsy/crafty stuff and g-kids to see raised...one still yet to marry...whether I continue to live here or Henderson or Noblesville is yet undecided...pray that you all are blessed and enjoying fam and friends...God Bless <3

Collasped...

I got him settled for the night and he has seemed a bit agitated most the evening so gave him meds to help calm him down...kept wanting to have that cigarette but managed to convince him not to...he kept saying he was afraid to go out and have one...he couldn't tell me why so I said don't go have one and he decided to lay back down...I just barely got settled down and started to dose off and he was trying to get up to go out and have that cigarette but was afraid...

I got him up and put his coat on him and he went out on the back porch but when he came back in he said something suddenly and headed for frig but collasped on me in the wheelchair...keeled over in the chair...almost like he quit breathing...I wasn't expecting that to happen...I mean I know changes are going to be coming but not that...crying I hurried up and grabbed the portable oxygen and got it going and kept talking to him...breathe please just breathe...I managed to get the chair close to the kitchen cabinet where the phone was and called hospice...told them Sheila is the one that usually sees him...answering service got a hold of her and I talked with her on the phone and she would be over in about 20 minutes...not to move him...

Then out of the blue he sat up and his breathing picked up and he insisted I help him get back into bed...I got the wheelchair over to the bed as close as I could and properly got him up and into bed...put the other oxygen machine on him...he was so pale, calmy and dripping wet like he got out of the shower...she checked him over and told me what to expect that I would start seeing some drastic changes...but she couldn't put any time to it...I have been trying to prepare myself this past year but I know it's not the same as when it actually happens...this just TOTALLY caught me off guard and Sheila said I had done right by calling her...she will call me at about 10 a.m. before coming over...it's just a matter of keeping him as comfortable as possible...calm...I've decided he couldn't drive his Harley and that I was suspending his driving privileges...tehe...trying to keep myself together...at times this evening now thinking back on it...there were a few times he seemed confused...

I am considering taking my sister's offer to come out to help and cancelling my appointment with eye doctor on Friday...I ain't leaving his side...so girls be prepared for that call unless you are here already...it's too fast...I got to get some rest...lvu <3

Disoriented...

I always set the cell alarm for 3 a.m. for his meds...but when I woke it was only 2:20 a.m. and he was sitting in his wheelchair...asked why he didn't holler and said he didn't know...so I got him back into bed and I sat at the kitchen table waiting for 3 a.m. to roll around to give him his meds...he hollered at me bout 2:45 a.m. and wanted to know when he had his last cigarette and as far as I knew it was about an hour before he went to bed...asked me if I thought he should go have one at bedtime and I said probably not as it wires him up and makes him more agitated and restless...so he didn't...but back to meds time...gave him his meds after he went for a cigarette and helped him back into bed...put his water back in the frig and he was trying to talk to me...said wait a minute I would come over and sit with him while he talked...more like trying to gasp air into his lungs with every word...

He was saying that when he woke up he felt disoriented, thought he was going down a street in Mexico no chair no one around trying to find a bathroom and when he comes round the corner there's this "Beautiful Angel" talking to him and then he realizes it me his Angel...;) I couldn't hold it back anymore...he wanted a small light left on so when he woke up again he wouldn't be disoriented...said he felt cold like an iceberg...I covered him up with two blankets and sat with him for awhile until I decided to blog...he seems to be resting peacefully again...

I should go back to bed and get more sleep but am too wide awake right now...listening to music as I blog too...our youngest came home for a day and she said it was hard to see him like this...to be sure to call her if any changes...I do wish our oldest was closer...I do hope she'll be able to get out here soon...her employer is laying her off end the week...has known this for a month but no other jobs have come available yet...

He woke again at 5:17 a.m. and said he had to go...got him on the commode but unable to go...that has been happening quite a bit lately too...got him some water and back into bed...drenched from sweating so change his shirt I believe the 4th time today...just washed his sheets Saturday and will need to change again in morning...

I'm not ready for him to go...we've got 24 beautiful years together and 23 of them married and with all the pitfalls...you know peaks and valleys...it's been interesting, fun, loveable and it's hard to see another change in my life...one that feels like it'll be turned upside down...

Well, I guess I'll go back to bed for couple more hours...keeping everyone posted best I can thru this blog, myspace or facebook...

One last thing daughter dear think the new pic of me since lost some weight and no makeup and hair down tehe makes me look like a witch...LOL...I hope the "Good Witch"...luv to all and don't take anything for granted...;)

What do I say...

Tim Oct 21, 2009 evening

The pastor came by today and it was a nice visit...he is the assistant pastor at our youngest's church here in town...he will be coming again end of next week...I'm glad I said it was okay for him to come...he has said he isn't afraid to die but just not ready yet...the pastor asked if he had concerns and of course he said he was worried about me...with good reason my world will be turned upside down and my biggest decision is where to next...I have been praying on this one and at times try to be quiet so God can lead me in the right direction...I have Indiana, Henderson/Las Vegas or here where my comfort zone is...not sure I can afford to live here on my own since insurance and prescriptions are so expensive now that we have lost the work cobra insurance...

Sheila with hospice also called to see how he was doing and gave me a few more suggestions and that the doctor said no nebulizer treatment yet...to up the oxygen to 3 LTR...he is struggling still to breathe with ease...he's in worse shape to breathe than I ever was...unless I had pneumonia...he made several attempts today to start to get up and before he did...he was asleep again...food intake is back to 4 oz of Glucerne this morning, lunch couple bites coleslaw and tators/gravy and couple bites of applesauce this everning and another 4 oz glucerne at bedtime with meds at 11pm...I gave Sheila his vitals and she said I was doing fine and to keep doing what I was doing...to be sure to call her anytime, otherwise she would see us on Friday...

I feel like its happening so fast...I wasn't expecting the changes to start coming so soon...I mean we both noticed changes over the last two months but this past week or since the 9th after seeing the doctor it's really reality...:( He said today he doesn't feel right but couldn't pinpoint what it was...he knows just like dad did with mom...he knew too several months before and managed to get her Christmas gift...:) before he passed...

Tonight he is in a fitfull sleep if you call it that...hurts all over but won't take 20mgs instead of 17.5mg of pain meds...his body is failing him but his will to live is so strong...yes, he manages still to get up in that powered wheelchair to eat, use bathroom and have that cigarette out on the porch...he just can't go without it...no, he doesn't take the oxygen with him so by the time he gets back in he's more short of breathe...he was really sweating tonight but yet he said he was cold...my touching him he was warm...he's definitely talking more in his sleep...like he's talking one time to someone on the fone but he's not on the fone...then telling someone to come in thinking that someone is at the door...anyone who knows him-he has that loud voice...he questions things as he is starting to not remember...like his meds he took at 7pm tonite...he woke up and said he forgot to take them and I said no you didn't as I gave them to you...

He my proud strong-willed "Lion King"...;) I guess I best be getting off here...ya'll be safe, take care and much luv to all...I'm thankful for the friends we have, the new ones I've made and most assuredly Judy...pray for his comfort and for less pain...that when the time comes his transition will be easier...

Updates...

I am going to try and make this short as possible...was a busy long day for both of us and I am still trying to finish stuff up and get ready to get up early to run errands...

On October 9th after the doctor in Georgetown, we arrived home to find a message left by hospice...so I called and got it set up for them to come on Monday October 12th...also, on the way home I swung by Dixie Dialysis to get my 2nd booster shot of Hep B...Molly wasn't in so I called her on Tuesday to see what time was best for me to swing by on Wednesday when they were down from Georgetown in the Mesquite office...as explained before there is a series of 3 shots...my third one will be March 10, 2010...then 2 months after that I will need blood work to see if there are any antibodies showing up, if not I have to do the series again...this is a precautionary measure that if I do need dialysis then these shots will help prevent Hepatitis B...so my next appt with the doctor is December 9th but I have to have blood work done 10 days prior to see what my kidney functions are doing....

Anyway back to Tim...hospice came on Monday and did an intake assessment (file) and we set Tuesdays up every week for them to come in...he had lost another 2 pounds from Friday, Oct 9th...so total 13 pound loss since Aug 27th...but we were to call them for anything and not 911 as they handle everything...he has switched from medicare to medicare hospice benefits at 100% coverage...pray it is so because that blood just isn't going to drip from that TURNIP anymore...lol...

As the week passed on, he continues to have problems eating, drinking and still the dry heaves...I believe most of that is from the mucus build-up...rapid breathing then it slows down...congestion is more prominent and he was hiding it from me up til Saturday when his sister came over to visit (she was sick free) and he said he was struggling to breathe normally...I decided this morning I would call hospice to come a day early to evaluate him see if he did need to be on oxygen and possible breathing treatments to help clear some of the mucus up and make his breathing easier...he sure was sounding like a baby's rattle last night when breathing...

Sheila came by around 2pm and talking with us and getting his vitals called in for oxygen to be delivered asap...I would say within the hour after she left, they delivered the machine and 2 portable tall tanks for emergency use like when power goes out...he's to wear 24/7's then we'll see...I am back to helping him get in bed with lifting his legs...the oxygen seems to help but he still struggles...any kind of exertion or when he talks to you...you can really tell...we have raised his head up a little more to make breathing better too...it's so hard to see him like this when he use to walk out to the car at work when I would swing lunch by or wherever and he had this proud prance walk...like a "Lion King"....LOL...very strong and regal...it's not there anymore...:(
The last two days he is lucky if he's gotten a cup of food eaten...it's been more like liquids...he doesn't like Ensure so we got Glucerne and he seems to like it but likes my stuff even better :D...by Odwalla chocolate protein drink...he says that's the best yet...otherwise, he drinks a little water, 7-up and gatorade...
Sheila will call tomorrow to see how he is doing and possibly come by, if not then come by on Wednesday and then Friday...depending how he is doing then do Tuesdays and Fridays....the effort is to try and keep him as comfortable as possible but coherent...

Oh and poor little Jack is on an anti-imflammatory med and I will pick up some cartilage builder tomorrow...he's favoring his left leg...it bit of a birth defect but with old age coming on he's having some limping problems...but otherwise, he's frisky as ever and ah ah ah ah lets ya know when he is hungry for sure!...LOL...

Well, one more quik posting...Tim is acting a bit restless tonight...waking about every hour...I have been sleeping on the sofa in the livingroom for the past 2 weeks...just to be closer and to hear him better if needed...but most the time I am still up when his meds are due to take at 3 a.m....yah, I said 3 a.m...altho, last night Jacks and I slept on the loveseat...I thinking I will sleep there again tonight just due to the way he is acting...that way I don't have so far to go to help him...

Lastly but mostly for Ashley, granddaughters BF...prayers go out to her and her family in the loss of her gma...prayers go out to Rita's grandfather too...struggling with cancer as well...so many so much where ever
you turn or hear in a conversation or posting...someone is hurting, struggling, whatever and it makes you wonder when this desert time will be over...prayers go out to everyone everywhere...lastly again...good nite...gotchya...LOL...:D be safe much luv...me/;boo/happemom/Alicia

Congrats and suspicions...

Congrats are in order for our nephew Beau who has married today to Jamie Lynn...her family to have reception in Cedar City tonight and then his tomorrow evening in Mesquite...May you both have a long and B E A U T I F U L Life ToGeThEr....Luv Tim, Alicia, Tamra and Charlene

Suspicions have been there since probably a few weeks before Tim saw the doc the end of August as we were noticing changes slowly and they have progressed more little by little...doctor has had his suspicions too from looking at Tim and listening to what he is saying and this is why 2 of the 3 tests have been done last week...but also it was the 3 month check up time...however you want to word it...

Tim no longer has to have blood work before seeing the doctor since he will not be taking "Sutent" after this round he finished Wednesday, October 7th...it's not working anymore so the labs aren't needed if not taking it...as for the fluid in bottom right lung - since it's not enough to be concerned with yet and he isn't having any problems with breathing or hurting, then doc says leave well enough alone for time being...the CT is showing more progression but how much more we aren't sure yet...doc is still waiting for the comparision and has a stat call into the radiologist, as I want to know too...

We are going to continue as we have been - one day at a time...doc has orders in for hospice to call and set up visits for whenever we need them but for now we will use them once a month as if like a doctor's visit each month...the trips to Georgetown let alone the labs locally at hospital are too much for him anymore...so, V. V. Hospice will come by Monday and get it set up and since he has Medicare part A (hospital) it will be covered 100% but he also has part B and part D and a supplemental insurance as backup...this was my concerns...I'm not sure how much more blood I can drip from that TURNIP....lol...;)

So from the doc's scales, Tim has lost a total of 11 pounds since his visit August 27th 163 down to 152...he was feeling up to having me cut his hair yesterday (barely) and he shaved most of his face but I got the finer detail as he was wearing down fast...to my amazement he decided to crawl into the shower with the chair in the tub and got refreshed and not to embarrass or be graphic to anyone...he is sooooo skin and bone...I thought my bear had a tiny butt before...it's almost nothing now...:( and I am thankful I have not found any bedsores yet as much as he is in bed...that has always been my concern since it would be hard to get them to heal...he is ThAnKfUl that the CT showed his heart not effected yet, that he still has a strong HeArT to fight with and the StReNgTh of friends and family to uphold him as long as possible...

As the doc said, "It's not to say he has 3 months or 5 months but that for hospice care the doctors has to do it on a 6 month basis and if the patient goes on past that time they just renew the hospice care for another 6 months...so be optomistic, he is a fighter for as long as he feels he can be...

Luv and prayers to all of you out there and especially to those who have or are coming down with the flu...our niece in Idaho has the swine flu according to her doctor...pray that she has a speedy recovery...:D

ya'll have a gr8 weekend and be safe....much luv to all....

Appts...

Yeah, I got a pic of him sleeping after he shaved on Monday...now if we can just get his hair cut for him...I usually do it on the back porch with his clippers...have to play it by ear and see when he feels up to it...:)

It has been a busy week for me...took him to get his labs on Tuesday mornin' and that short trip to Mesa View wore him out...like anything does now days...so with the way he has been feeling, I had called the doctor on Monday and we decided to just do the lab on Tuesday and the CT was to be done on Wednesday with no contrast...that yucky stuff you have to drink...the doctor said it would still give him an idea of what was going on with him...even appts for Jack...his shots and then grooming/clipping...I don't think he was too happ:D with me on Wednesday...this he ran to his bed as he wasn't sure he wanted to go with me...he was just going to get groomed...tehe

I took him in an hour earlier for the CT chest/abdomen/kidney as the hospital changed the time on us since I guess he wasn't doing the drink...I have to say the x-ray tech didn't have a good bed side manner...made Tim a little nervous...anyway, told the tech that he has been getting the CT's done at Dixie and the last one done was July so they could compare or last October here at Mesa would be another one to use for comparison...again, we got home and he slept most the day...I made a bunch of phone calls and I think the phone also rang about 14 times that day...anytime the phone rings more than 2 times, I know I am not meant to have a nap...

Well, the doc's assistant Kay called lata Wednesday afternoon and was asking how he was doing and I let her know...but was concerned because the CT was showing some plural something in his right lung or in other words fluid...she asked if he was having problems breathing, I said no...any chest pain, I said no again...told her basically what was going on and that he still doesn't want hospice...in the mean time between now and his appointment on Friday, October 9th...she is going to request that the radiologist get the other previous CT's to compare to which they hadn't done and have more of an idea of what is going on with his lungs and when we go up to see the doc...possibly order a chest x-ray and if need be aspirate his right lung and drain that fluid off...she said it will hurt too...ugggghhh and he won't like that...but we'll see...his blood work was actually pretty good...so no worries there yet...

As for the insurance for me...to help pay what medicare doesn't...I have about another 29 days left of the 63 days allowed to get an individual health plan like a supplemental/medigap and even though I have the "Certificate of Credible Insurability Letter" the insurance company can still turn me down for pre-existing conditions...this is what the insurance agent locally told me and that is one of the reasons the health system has to be revised...this agent in town is unable to help me as she only does healthy individuals and 65 and over medicare supplemental/medigap insurances...and in order to get insurance in Nevada for underage "65" medicare supplemental/medigap the only insurance or two are United American or Liberty National...but I have to go to Vegas and be in front of the agent to fill out the application...I told the local agent that's too far and I won't leave him for very long...is there someone in Georgetown that I could go to...lol...only if they are licensed for Nevada too...she is licensed for Nevada, Utah and Arizona as we are a borderline town...

I finally received his medicare supplemental insurance kit and health card so that anything that Medicare doesn't pay that is allowable then the medigap insurance takes care of it...so far, we are just getting by but as time goes on I hope we won't have to call the bank and see about a modification on our mortgage even just for 6 months...a lots of things now days seems to be play it by ear expression...;)

Well, I think I brought ya'll up-to-date...oh, the weather is finally cooling off but has been windy as heck...with the weekend coming up be safe, take care and enjoy your loved ones...