my sUnShInE bEdRoOm...

is in love...

"I believe my Heart"...

you make me wanna...Blue

One Love....Blue

Open Up Your Heart....Let Fools Rush In!

IF...

If they made me a king, I`d be but a slave to you,

If I had everything, I`d still be a slave to you.

If I ruled the night, stars and moon so bright,

Still I`d turn for light to you.

If the world to me bowed, yet humbly I cling to you.

If my friends were a crowd, I`d turn on my knees to you.

If I ruled the earth, what would life be worth,

If I hadn`t the right to you.

Prayers needed...

Prayers are still needed...friends and family are passing away...earlier this month friends of youngest...my aunt Claudine...a dear friend of ours, one of Tim's coffee buds just this past week as I found out yesterday on post office window posting and totally fell apart...now, I hear that my cousin Cindy/Randy's wife (mom's sisters daughter-in-law) passed away today, she was only 50 yrs old...a friend, Moria's father this past week as well...among those in the news and friends online who've had a few pass away...I'm at a loss for words...is it going to ever end...I know, a foolish question...it's hard to hear as still too close to home...

My condolences and prayers for all friends and family...I guess that song Carrie Underwood has just come out "Temporary Home" seems to be...uhhhh...loss for words...

God Bless everyone...<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Valentine's Day...

Roses are Red
Forget Me Nots are Blue
My Roses are White
For My Eternal You...

With this Special Day
Some Red Ones too
My Valentine Heart
The Love so True...


I couldn't let this VALENTINE Day go by as it's one of our Special Days to celebrate our Love...even with his passing I luv him even more.

I went over and placed flowers and was going to take a picture or two but my camera batteries were kaput...;) So, I made an effort to go over today hoping there weren't too many people there and take a few...It was another nice day with the sun shining...I'm still waiting on the headstone to get finished and placed which should be next month...

I also stopped by ma's and visited with her and she is doing fine...asks about everyone and sends her love...showed her the pictures I took...I gave her some Date-oat muffins...I have been wanting to try that recipe for over a year now and just never got to it...but wanted something with less fat and carbs so I found another recipe....ohhhhhh ohhhhhhh, boy did it turn out good...fat friendly, calorie friendly, and for sure carb friendly...tehehehe...most definately MOIST....lol...I have to laugh about this when I was taking the time to slice open and remove the seeds/pit and then dice the dates...I kept thinking this looks famaliar...okay so I have an odd/funn:D sense of thought...lol...the dates reminded me of bugs like brown beetles or the R---h word...LOL...I told you it was odd/funn:D thought...but I guarantee they are delish...I have in freezer so don't go to waste...anyway, here is recipe if anyone wants to try...

Date-Oat Muffins (12)

1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup rolled oats (I used cooking oats)
1 cup milk (I used skim that all I have in house)
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
2 egg whites (I use exlarge eggs)
1/3 cup canola oil (recipe calls for 1/3 cup melted butter/maragine)
1/4 cup applesauce (I used some cinnamon homemade applesauce-thx Michele)
1/2 cup chopped pitted dates

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a muffin pan or line with muffin
liners.
2. In a large bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Stir in the oats, milk, sugar, egg whites, oil, applesauce and dates; mix just to combine. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups. At first I thought it was going to make more than 12 but the cups were filled to almost very top of paper liners.
3. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 mins or until a toothpick inserted into a muffin comes out clean. I believe I checked at 25 mins and they were done so I took out and let set a few mins and then put on rack to cool off.

serves 12
calories 147
carbs 21g
protein 3g
fiber 1g
sodium 287mg
cholesterol 15mg
fat 6g

Anyway, enjoy and CUPID said to have a fun, happ:D day...;) <3
HAPP:D VALENTINE'S DAY Everyone...<3 <3 <3 <3
and to MY GIRLS...I LVU Both Very Very MUCH...:D ;* 8)

Today...not good news...

Today since early this morning...news hasn't been good...I have been crying since I went to bed last night/early this mornin'...up early to be sure daughter was out of here to get back to Vegas for work...immediately heard Carrie's song in a video and posted...so heart warming but yet sad...

When I realized I hadn't heard from daughter that she got back to Vegas ok, I noticed I didn't have my cell fone out in the living room with me so I went and retrieved it from the bedroom...Tamra had called and also left voice mail but I also had a text from a niece sending an early much luv'd Valentine greeting...:D
I called Tamra not realizing there was a voice mail til she told me...her friend's brother passed away a couple days ago...I asked her to tell him and his family my prayers are with them all...

It has been pretty much one of them days for crying...my aunt Evvy sent me an email thinking she was trying to cheer me up...here it is:



How to Dance in the Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'


I got on to check my email before getting on FB and found a reply back from aunt Evvy that I had sent to her saying thank you for sending "How to Dance in the Rain"...her sister, my aunt Claudine passed away this mornin' supposedly from a massive heart attack...no arrangements yet...I replied back sending my condolences and that my prayers were with them all...sort of reminiscing on the fact that her dad, my gpa passed away on my b-day in the same month and then gma on same day but in June...now my aunt Claudine in this same month...too many are passing in our families on both sides especially since last year...and now it's continuing into this year...oh my oh my oh my....I hope that Carrie's video on FB, Myspace, and here gives some solace to those who are in need...

My prayers and luv are with elf...eryone...<3 <3 <3 <3

"Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood

He's home now and not hurting anymore, but I surrrrrrrre do miss him very very very very much...<3

H A P P :D V A L E N T I N E'S D A Y...

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Doing better...

Well, I said I would continue to blog but I'm not doing so good at it...youngest is "Doing better" at it than I...here is something I wrote a few weeks back...

"No winters last forever; no springs skips its turn." Anonymous

It's the end of one chapter and a beginning of a new one. Open hearts and minds bring an eventual harmony; alone only you can make it meaningful. The change permits us to emerge anew and so the new chapter begins...me! ;) <3
The process is hard and confusing at times...soooooooo lost and where do I belong anymore...I'm not angry or mad, I don't question why; I understand "why"...I didn't deny he's gone, I know he is but it just felt like he was working his 12 hour days for inventory at his job but now not sure what to feel or do at times...I'm busy but I'm not busy...I do my errands 2-3 times a week...its quiet even tho TV on and I may be on FB...when the youngest comes home from Vegas, if only for a day...she keeps me on my toes...sometimes its hard to see her leave...I've never been alone...there's always been someone in my life and close by...Tim and I both never felt the need to always have something to say...just knowing the comfort of each other in the same room was more than enough for us and I feel lost without that...so my biggest struggle is as the song says, "Now you're not here; Cause you're not here"...Forever Autumn by the Moody Blues...so so so lonely and quiet. <3
I also have to say even after 24 years together, I miss those kisses that make me light-headed from day one...as we both said, "It doesn't seem like the years have gone by, it's just like yesterday."

No the house hasn't sold yet, only had two people come through in December and one in January...The Realtors had a tour of different homes on January 5Th and mine was included...the bank calls almost weekly to keep posted...my realtor is putting an add in the booklet that is on newsstands for home sales in the regional area...suppose to be out this month...

Hospice offers help to those left behind for about a year maybe longer if they/we might need it...I received a letter in the mail a few weeks back offering a class/meeting on bereavement starting February 18Th and on every Thursday for eight weeks...I called and said I would like to come...I'm not sure its for me but I'm hoping it will help me more...

Not sure what else to say...not getting any more done in going through things...manage to keep house clean for when a realtor does call to bring someone...I do sleep 6-8 hours but my hours are mostly late and I am eating healthy...Jack has become more of a crier and I think he misses Poppy too...the other day, I was getting ready and Jack knew I was in bedroom for he just walked out and next thing I know he is crying, then stops and walks back to the bedroom again and I asked him, "What's that all about?"...lol...looks at me funn:D like when we had all that rain last month and I'd have to take him out...I'd tell him to wipe his feet; he stops at the door, turns and looks at me like "What you talkin' bout?" and runs like a jackrabbit into the house...omg he is funn:D!!!!

Anyway, I need to close and make myself get something done...hahaha...probably FB til I hear from Tam...she'll put me to work...tehehehe...luv to all and take care...;) <3 <3 <3

H A P P :D V A L E N T I N E' S D A Y

"Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart." ~Author Unknown

Holidays Upon Us...

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Oh yes, the Holidays are Upon Us...it has been a bit since last blogging...not much is going on...both girls went home December 17th, one to Indiana and the other to Vegas...I will be seeing her on occasion...'tween work and skool starting again next month on the 11th...


We sold a lot of the big stuff in yard sale 4th, 5th, 11th and 12th...still quite a bit of things to sell but yet allot in closets and cupboards to still go thru and sort, pack and put in sale area...

My realtor says there will be a "Realtors Tour" on January 5th for all the new listings added from the last tour and says to continue to live in house until the house sells even if I can't make the house payment and yes, I already called bank couple days after he passed away and told me what needed to be done for a short sale, etc if didn't have buyer soon...A realtor brought a woman by on Dec 1st and then there was another realtor yesterday for a gentleman...impressed how open and spacious and lots of cupboard/closet/storage space...yard looks sooooo good after Charli trimmed up the trees and then raked leaves etc from when wind
blows and ya get neighbors leaves stirring around...that one reason why I didn't get deciduous trees...so I/we wouldn't have to rake up leaves...funn:D now we have to rake up neighbor leaves in our yard...:D

Look to my left out the family room window with skies cloudy and sun trying to peak thru and see the mountains with snow on the peaks and yet look to my right out the living room window and see my rose bushes dancing from the breeze blowing and clouds looking grayer behind the mesa (if that what you want to call it or sand mountain-tehe) and see occasional semi truck going by on the I15 northbound...wonder why I love it here...weather cool, crisp but I have the view of alot showing me scenes from home - Alaska and yet view of my home from becoming a desert monke:D (monkey)...I think nicer than saying desert rat...LOL...the b e a u t i f u l sunsets I get to see or the skies dark enough to see the stars/heart moon...lol...at night even with the casinos lights...I don't think I can live anywhere else but here but do wish my family lived closer...

Living alone isn't easy...I have Jack to help keep me company but even with the music and Tv for noise, it still quiet...tooooo quiet. Even when the girls were here the house sounded full not half full...it's like I lost a part of me and kno I will in time find it and feel whole again...

I do most of errands (which isn't much) in the evening so I don't have to fight the crowds at the post office or grocery store especially this time of the year...tehe...I find myself somewhat comforting others telling them its okay I understand (they don't know what to say) and wishing them a "Merr:D Christmas"...cheer up...

Anywho, I will have one of my girls and a "honey baked ham" here with me on Christmas (LOL) and the other one with me in my heart <3...so well wishes to elf...eryone near and far and "MERRY CHRISTMAS"...

Broken Wings and Broken Hearts by Melissa Shales

This was written by my gdaughter and I was really impressed (for English class)...hope she gets an A+....have box kleenex on hand....


There will always been one day that I will never forget as long as I live; the day my grandpa, Tim Casbin Shaner, passed away from cancer. He was the wisest person I have ever met. If you had a dilemma he would try his best to help you using his past experiences. My grandpa was a very kind, gentle and understanding person, but when needed he was stern and forceful. On the exterior he appeared to be a rough, angry person but on the inside he was nothing but a soft, kind teddy bear. Tim may have not been my biological grandpa; however he was there from the day I was born until the day he passed away. He was there for the good times and the bad times. I turned to him numerous of times for advice or to just talk about what was new in our lives. One day he was talking to my mom on the phone and he told her that he was diagnosed with cancer and it was spreading fast. This was just the beginning of the eagles’ journey, my grandpa’s journey.
I woke up Tuesday October 27th of this year feeling tired and very uneasy, as if deep in my subconscious I knew something very wrong was about to happen. That morning I went about my usual routine of getting ready to catch the bus, but that uneasy feeling left me feeling sick and unable to move around. I found my dad in the kitchen filling up his mug of coffee. Since my mom was leaving to go to Mesquite Nevada, where my grandparents lived, I knew I had to ask him if I would be able to stay home. Slowly walking up to him I asked quietly,
“Daddy, can I stay home? I’m not feeling very well.”
Of course my dad didn’t want me to miss anymore school so he said no but that he would ask my mom what she thinks. I went back to my bedroom waiting for my dad to tell me what he and my mom had decided on. About ten long minutes later my dad walked into my room and stated in a dry tone,
“Your mother said you can stay home, so before we leave to go to the airport I will call you in sick, but that doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want today.”
I knew I had work that day as well, so I asked him if I should call in for that day as well. He looked at me and said,
“That will all depend on how you’re feeling later on today.”
After that uncomfortable short conversation I laid back down in bed trying as hard as possible to try and push aside the pain and thoughts that raced through my mind. The next thing I knew it was around noon and my stomach was growling. Mustering up as much strength as possible I walked downstairs to grab a quick snack and a cold drink to silence the obnoxious sounds of my stomach. My dad was still out working so I was home alone. That thought of being alone loomed over my mind for the rest of the day. Time flew by and I was feeling better enough to go to work. My dad and sister both arrived home around 3:30 p.m. I told my dad that I was feeling well enough to go to work and that I had to be there by four and I would get off around nine. Work went by slowly and during that time I was thinking about my grandpa, how he was doing, if he was in pain and various other things. Finally it was nine o’clock and I was off work waiting for my dad to pick me up. When I got in the car loud music was booming through out the car and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. My dad had to check on a neighbor’s house so I sat in the car waiting for him to finish so we could go home. By that time I started to notice something was bothering him,
I asked, “What’s the matter dad?”
He looked at me with sad eyes, a monotone voice and said, “Nothing, just a long day at work.”
So on the way home we sat in silence, time moving even slower than before. My thoughts started racing and my heart dropped as I walked into the house to see my sister staring off into space with a dead expression on her face.
I hurried over to her and bent down to her level and asked,
“What’s wrong with you? Are you okay? Did something happen?”
Just like my dad she looked at me and told me, “Nothing. I’m fine.”
Feeling left out and completely confused I went to my room and began changing out of
my work clothes. While in that process I heard my dad yell,
“Melissa come downstairs I need to talk to you!”
That immediately gave it away, something happened either with my mom or my grandpa.
Replying to my dad quickly I yelled back,
“Coming, I’ll be down in one sec!”
By the time I got downstairs my dad was standing in front of the couch where my sister was sitting still and emotionless. He pointed toward the couch and I knew he wanted me to sit next to my sister. This only made my heart sink lower and lower. My heart was racing faster than a thorough bred horse and I could feel tears welling up. My dad turned toward us and took a deep breath before saying,
“Melissa, I’m sure you can tell by your sister that something happened earlier. I received a call earlier that your pappy [grandpa] passed away before your mother made it in town.”
At that moment my brain shut down and my heart broke, tears started falling down my face like a water fall. There was no way to control anything, my body was completely useless. I had no control over what I said or did. I tried talking but my words didn’t come out, the only thing that slipped through my lips were wheezes and sobs. My dad tired to comfort me with a hug, but I screamed,
“NO! Get away! I don’t want to be touched!”
I ran screaming at the top of my lungs,
“I hate you god, you don’t exist, all you do is put me through pain, I HATE YOU!”
In the safety of my room I let all my emotions of run wild. Still unable to control my body I began to throw; books, make up, pictures, anything that I could get my hands on it was flying toward the wall in one swift movement. Of course, being a concerned my dad barreled up the stairs and swung open the door to find me lying on my floor motionless sobbing and still chanting,
“There is no god, there is no god!”
My dad told me that everything would be fine, that the pain would eventually fade away and I would only remember the good memories and the bad would just disappear, but at that moment in time the pain engulfed me and wouldn’t go away. Everyone tried to comfort me but it was of no use, part of my heart was missing and there was no way of getting it back. Finally after gathering what strength I could, I call my boyfriend and told him I needed him here with me. Before I could gather myself and stop bawling he was at my house holding me in a hug telling me,
“Melissa everything will be okay, just try to breath and calm down, there was nothing you could have done. Just calm down and you will be fine I promise.”
The way he spoke to me seemed to relieve some of the pain but not enough to calm me down, my crying only became more heave and I could barely talk, but somehow I managed to say,
“ I never got to say goodbye, or I love you. He will never know how much he meant to me. I haven’t seen him in almost two years. He wont be able to see me graduate or be at my wedding. He’s gone, he’s really gone. Please tell me I’m dreaming!”
“No, your not dreaming Melissa, I’m sorry. Your pappy knew how much you love him and how much he meant to you. He will see you from where ever he is Melissa, he will always be with you no matter what.”
There was nothing left to say, my boyfriend had said it all. I stopped crying for the moment and started to think about what I had said to my family and how wrong I was. For the remainder of the night after my boyfriend left I laid in my sister’s bedroom unable to sleep. We talked about how much we missed pappy. All the good times we had with him and what he meant to us. It seemed to help ease the pain having my sister there to talk to. Finally around four in the morning I was able to fall asleep. The worst day of my life was over, but I knew so many more difficult days were just ahead of me.
This was the worst experience with death that I had ever experienced up to this day. Before that night I never let someone’s passing affect me as much as my pappy’s. My pappy to me was like an eagle; proud and strong. Someone could look at him and tell that he was a fighter, even during his battle with cancer he fought to stay with his family and friends. That night will always be in my mind and heart until the day my wings are replaced with a new and different pair of wings just like my eagle, my hero, and my only pappy.

One month, three days...

I look over this past month and wonder where the time went...of course, busy with the house in getting ready for putting on the market for sale...my sister was here for awhile and oldest daughter extended her time til December (she's laid off - hopefully she finds work even if out here hint hint...lol)...youngest daughter had to go back to college and work...so much has gotten done but still allot to do...but the living areas are pretty much cleared out of excess stuff...just need to start going through closets and cupboards and pack what I'm going to keep that don't need to use right now and then put rest in yard/moving sale...

MOVING/YARD Sale...Friday, December 4Th NOON to 4 pm

and

Saturday, December 5Th 8 am to 4 pm

Oak bookcases 1-7' 3-3', Oak Futon, Oak computer desk, Pro-form

Cross Walk treadmill, log pole porch swing, Frigidaire freezer, dorm

refrigerator and many more things...

Yard Sale again the next weekend too....Friday 11Th and Saturday 12Th

both days 8 am to 4 pm...

1798 sq ft, 0.16 lot, 3 bdrm, 2.5 bath, ceiling fans, stove, microwave, garbage disposal

dbl car garage, laundry room off kitchen and craft room off laundry room which

can be converted to 4Th bdrm with private entrance...big picture window in

living room and one in family room to let plenty of light in from both North

and South of the house...8'x10' shed on slab behind house;

water softener, R/O, central air/heat, dishwasher all put in new 2008, plenty

privacy, quiet neighborhood...contact Merlin Hafen - Desert Gold Realty

Front house

Screened in back porch

3rd Bedroom/guestroom

Family room

Living room

Kitchen

Sorry to say this is the saddest chapter in my life...it's on hold for now until there

is a buyer for the house and I move into an apt. and then I can move more forward

with my life...who knows maybe I'll fly to the moon...right!!!!! NOT...LOL...

For what it's worth, I am doing okay, better than I thought...I am sadden Tim isn't

with us but know he is no longer in pain or suffering...the girls and I feel like he's doing

his inventory hours at Primex and just hasn't come home but we DO realize he is gone...so

don't worry...although, if you was to read some of my comments on FB you'd think I was

a lit'l crazy...lol...or lost my luney...good thing I have a sense of humor...uhhhh....;)

Well, there are other rooms to the house but never got pics of them - like Master bdrm

and bath with jet tub/shower...2nd bdrm larger than 3rd and another full bathroom...half

bathroom is same area as laundry room...

Anyway, I'm going to sign off for now and hope to post more down the road...luv to all,

be safe and give plenty of hugs...;) <3

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Roses are Red
Forget Me Nots are Blue
My Roses are White
For My Eternal You...<3


to say my Tim has passed away on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 2:47 p.m at home in Mesquite....from a yearlong battle with stage 4 kidney cancer...

Graveside services will be held on Monday, November 2, 2009 at 12:00 p.m. (noon) at the Mesquite Cemetery. Interment will be in the Mesquite Cemetery under the direction of Virgin Valley Mortuary, 702-346-6060...An online guest book is available for those not able to attend at www.virginvalleymortuary.com

Your condolenses, well wishes, prayers are all appreciated...our girls are here with me as our oldest flew in from Indiana to surprise her dad but didn't make it in time due to circumstances out of her hands and neither did our college girl...I have a sister who came out to help with Tim not knowing he would be passing so soon...she will stay with me as needed to help me sort, pack, etc...

I don't know for sure what I am going to do at this time in my life...as the first song "Thank You" by Johnny Reid plays it expresses allot of what we both felt for each other and yet a better one than that is "Thank You" by Keith Urban...a new chapter in my life is starting and it's a bit scary...

I guess I will continue this journey by myself and yes, I will continue to blog...I still have my artsy/crafty stuff and g-kids to see raised...one still yet to marry...whether I continue to live here or Henderson or Noblesville is yet undecided...pray that you all are blessed and enjoying fam and friends...God Bless <3

Collasped...

I got him settled for the night and he has seemed a bit agitated most the evening so gave him meds to help calm him down...kept wanting to have that cigarette but managed to convince him not to...he kept saying he was afraid to go out and have one...he couldn't tell me why so I said don't go have one and he decided to lay back down...I just barely got settled down and started to dose off and he was trying to get up to go out and have that cigarette but was afraid...

I got him up and put his coat on him and he went out on the back porch but when he came back in he said something suddenly and headed for frig but collasped on me in the wheelchair...keeled over in the chair...almost like he quit breathing...I wasn't expecting that to happen...I mean I know changes are going to be coming but not that...crying I hurried up and grabbed the portable oxygen and got it going and kept talking to him...breathe please just breathe...I managed to get the chair close to the kitchen cabinet where the phone was and called hospice...told them Sheila is the one that usually sees him...answering service got a hold of her and I talked with her on the phone and she would be over in about 20 minutes...not to move him...

Then out of the blue he sat up and his breathing picked up and he insisted I help him get back into bed...I got the wheelchair over to the bed as close as I could and properly got him up and into bed...put the other oxygen machine on him...he was so pale, calmy and dripping wet like he got out of the shower...she checked him over and told me what to expect that I would start seeing some drastic changes...but she couldn't put any time to it...I have been trying to prepare myself this past year but I know it's not the same as when it actually happens...this just TOTALLY caught me off guard and Sheila said I had done right by calling her...she will call me at about 10 a.m. before coming over...it's just a matter of keeping him as comfortable as possible...calm...I've decided he couldn't drive his Harley and that I was suspending his driving privileges...tehe...trying to keep myself together...at times this evening now thinking back on it...there were a few times he seemed confused...

I am considering taking my sister's offer to come out to help and cancelling my appointment with eye doctor on Friday...I ain't leaving his side...so girls be prepared for that call unless you are here already...it's too fast...I got to get some rest...lvu <3

Disoriented...

I always set the cell alarm for 3 a.m. for his meds...but when I woke it was only 2:20 a.m. and he was sitting in his wheelchair...asked why he didn't holler and said he didn't know...so I got him back into bed and I sat at the kitchen table waiting for 3 a.m. to roll around to give him his meds...he hollered at me bout 2:45 a.m. and wanted to know when he had his last cigarette and as far as I knew it was about an hour before he went to bed...asked me if I thought he should go have one at bedtime and I said probably not as it wires him up and makes him more agitated and restless...so he didn't...but back to meds time...gave him his meds after he went for a cigarette and helped him back into bed...put his water back in the frig and he was trying to talk to me...said wait a minute I would come over and sit with him while he talked...more like trying to gasp air into his lungs with every word...

He was saying that when he woke up he felt disoriented, thought he was going down a street in Mexico no chair no one around trying to find a bathroom and when he comes round the corner there's this "Beautiful Angel" talking to him and then he realizes it me his Angel...;) I couldn't hold it back anymore...he wanted a small light left on so when he woke up again he wouldn't be disoriented...said he felt cold like an iceberg...I covered him up with two blankets and sat with him for awhile until I decided to blog...he seems to be resting peacefully again...

I should go back to bed and get more sleep but am too wide awake right now...listening to music as I blog too...our youngest came home for a day and she said it was hard to see him like this...to be sure to call her if any changes...I do wish our oldest was closer...I do hope she'll be able to get out here soon...her employer is laying her off end the week...has known this for a month but no other jobs have come available yet...

He woke again at 5:17 a.m. and said he had to go...got him on the commode but unable to go...that has been happening quite a bit lately too...got him some water and back into bed...drenched from sweating so change his shirt I believe the 4th time today...just washed his sheets Saturday and will need to change again in morning...

I'm not ready for him to go...we've got 24 beautiful years together and 23 of them married and with all the pitfalls...you know peaks and valleys...it's been interesting, fun, loveable and it's hard to see another change in my life...one that feels like it'll be turned upside down...

Well, I guess I'll go back to bed for couple more hours...keeping everyone posted best I can thru this blog, myspace or facebook...

One last thing daughter dear think the new pic of me since lost some weight and no makeup and hair down tehe makes me look like a witch...LOL...I hope the "Good Witch"...luv to all and don't take anything for granted...;)

What do I say...

Tim Oct 21, 2009 evening

The pastor came by today and it was a nice visit...he is the assistant pastor at our youngest's church here in town...he will be coming again end of next week...I'm glad I said it was okay for him to come...he has said he isn't afraid to die but just not ready yet...the pastor asked if he had concerns and of course he said he was worried about me...with good reason my world will be turned upside down and my biggest decision is where to next...I have been praying on this one and at times try to be quiet so God can lead me in the right direction...I have Indiana, Henderson/Las Vegas or here where my comfort zone is...not sure I can afford to live here on my own since insurance and prescriptions are so expensive now that we have lost the work cobra insurance...

Sheila with hospice also called to see how he was doing and gave me a few more suggestions and that the doctor said no nebulizer treatment yet...to up the oxygen to 3 LTR...he is struggling still to breathe with ease...he's in worse shape to breathe than I ever was...unless I had pneumonia...he made several attempts today to start to get up and before he did...he was asleep again...food intake is back to 4 oz of Glucerne this morning, lunch couple bites coleslaw and tators/gravy and couple bites of applesauce this everning and another 4 oz glucerne at bedtime with meds at 11pm...I gave Sheila his vitals and she said I was doing fine and to keep doing what I was doing...to be sure to call her anytime, otherwise she would see us on Friday...

I feel like its happening so fast...I wasn't expecting the changes to start coming so soon...I mean we both noticed changes over the last two months but this past week or since the 9th after seeing the doctor it's really reality...:( He said today he doesn't feel right but couldn't pinpoint what it was...he knows just like dad did with mom...he knew too several months before and managed to get her Christmas gift...:) before he passed...

Tonight he is in a fitfull sleep if you call it that...hurts all over but won't take 20mgs instead of 17.5mg of pain meds...his body is failing him but his will to live is so strong...yes, he manages still to get up in that powered wheelchair to eat, use bathroom and have that cigarette out on the porch...he just can't go without it...no, he doesn't take the oxygen with him so by the time he gets back in he's more short of breathe...he was really sweating tonight but yet he said he was cold...my touching him he was warm...he's definitely talking more in his sleep...like he's talking one time to someone on the fone but he's not on the fone...then telling someone to come in thinking that someone is at the door...anyone who knows him-he has that loud voice...he questions things as he is starting to not remember...like his meds he took at 7pm tonite...he woke up and said he forgot to take them and I said no you didn't as I gave them to you...

He my proud strong-willed "Lion King"...;) I guess I best be getting off here...ya'll be safe, take care and much luv to all...I'm thankful for the friends we have, the new ones I've made and most assuredly Judy...pray for his comfort and for less pain...that when the time comes his transition will be easier...

Updates...

I am going to try and make this short as possible...was a busy long day for both of us and I am still trying to finish stuff up and get ready to get up early to run errands...

On October 9th after the doctor in Georgetown, we arrived home to find a message left by hospice...so I called and got it set up for them to come on Monday October 12th...also, on the way home I swung by Dixie Dialysis to get my 2nd booster shot of Hep B...Molly wasn't in so I called her on Tuesday to see what time was best for me to swing by on Wednesday when they were down from Georgetown in the Mesquite office...as explained before there is a series of 3 shots...my third one will be March 10, 2010...then 2 months after that I will need blood work to see if there are any antibodies showing up, if not I have to do the series again...this is a precautionary measure that if I do need dialysis then these shots will help prevent Hepatitis B...so my next appt with the doctor is December 9th but I have to have blood work done 10 days prior to see what my kidney functions are doing....

Anyway back to Tim...hospice came on Monday and did an intake assessment (file) and we set Tuesdays up every week for them to come in...he had lost another 2 pounds from Friday, Oct 9th...so total 13 pound loss since Aug 27th...but we were to call them for anything and not 911 as they handle everything...he has switched from medicare to medicare hospice benefits at 100% coverage...pray it is so because that blood just isn't going to drip from that TURNIP anymore...lol...

As the week passed on, he continues to have problems eating, drinking and still the dry heaves...I believe most of that is from the mucus build-up...rapid breathing then it slows down...congestion is more prominent and he was hiding it from me up til Saturday when his sister came over to visit (she was sick free) and he said he was struggling to breathe normally...I decided this morning I would call hospice to come a day early to evaluate him see if he did need to be on oxygen and possible breathing treatments to help clear some of the mucus up and make his breathing easier...he sure was sounding like a baby's rattle last night when breathing...

Sheila came by around 2pm and talking with us and getting his vitals called in for oxygen to be delivered asap...I would say within the hour after she left, they delivered the machine and 2 portable tall tanks for emergency use like when power goes out...he's to wear 24/7's then we'll see...I am back to helping him get in bed with lifting his legs...the oxygen seems to help but he still struggles...any kind of exertion or when he talks to you...you can really tell...we have raised his head up a little more to make breathing better too...it's so hard to see him like this when he use to walk out to the car at work when I would swing lunch by or wherever and he had this proud prance walk...like a "Lion King"....LOL...very strong and regal...it's not there anymore...:(
The last two days he is lucky if he's gotten a cup of food eaten...it's been more like liquids...he doesn't like Ensure so we got Glucerne and he seems to like it but likes my stuff even better :D...by Odwalla chocolate protein drink...he says that's the best yet...otherwise, he drinks a little water, 7-up and gatorade...
Sheila will call tomorrow to see how he is doing and possibly come by, if not then come by on Wednesday and then Friday...depending how he is doing then do Tuesdays and Fridays....the effort is to try and keep him as comfortable as possible but coherent...

Oh and poor little Jack is on an anti-imflammatory med and I will pick up some cartilage builder tomorrow...he's favoring his left leg...it bit of a birth defect but with old age coming on he's having some limping problems...but otherwise, he's frisky as ever and ah ah ah ah lets ya know when he is hungry for sure!...LOL...

Well, one more quik posting...Tim is acting a bit restless tonight...waking about every hour...I have been sleeping on the sofa in the livingroom for the past 2 weeks...just to be closer and to hear him better if needed...but most the time I am still up when his meds are due to take at 3 a.m....yah, I said 3 a.m...altho, last night Jacks and I slept on the loveseat...I thinking I will sleep there again tonight just due to the way he is acting...that way I don't have so far to go to help him...

Lastly but mostly for Ashley, granddaughters BF...prayers go out to her and her family in the loss of her gma...prayers go out to Rita's grandfather too...struggling with cancer as well...so many so much where ever
you turn or hear in a conversation or posting...someone is hurting, struggling, whatever and it makes you wonder when this desert time will be over...prayers go out to everyone everywhere...lastly again...good nite...gotchya...LOL...:D be safe much luv...me/;boo/happemom/Alicia

Congrats and suspicions...

Congrats are in order for our nephew Beau who has married today to Jamie Lynn...her family to have reception in Cedar City tonight and then his tomorrow evening in Mesquite...May you both have a long and B E A U T I F U L Life ToGeThEr....Luv Tim, Alicia, Tamra and Charlene

Suspicions have been there since probably a few weeks before Tim saw the doc the end of August as we were noticing changes slowly and they have progressed more little by little...doctor has had his suspicions too from looking at Tim and listening to what he is saying and this is why 2 of the 3 tests have been done last week...but also it was the 3 month check up time...however you want to word it...

Tim no longer has to have blood work before seeing the doctor since he will not be taking "Sutent" after this round he finished Wednesday, October 7th...it's not working anymore so the labs aren't needed if not taking it...as for the fluid in bottom right lung - since it's not enough to be concerned with yet and he isn't having any problems with breathing or hurting, then doc says leave well enough alone for time being...the CT is showing more progression but how much more we aren't sure yet...doc is still waiting for the comparision and has a stat call into the radiologist, as I want to know too...

We are going to continue as we have been - one day at a time...doc has orders in for hospice to call and set up visits for whenever we need them but for now we will use them once a month as if like a doctor's visit each month...the trips to Georgetown let alone the labs locally at hospital are too much for him anymore...so, V. V. Hospice will come by Monday and get it set up and since he has Medicare part A (hospital) it will be covered 100% but he also has part B and part D and a supplemental insurance as backup...this was my concerns...I'm not sure how much more blood I can drip from that TURNIP....lol...;)

So from the doc's scales, Tim has lost a total of 11 pounds since his visit August 27th 163 down to 152...he was feeling up to having me cut his hair yesterday (barely) and he shaved most of his face but I got the finer detail as he was wearing down fast...to my amazement he decided to crawl into the shower with the chair in the tub and got refreshed and not to embarrass or be graphic to anyone...he is sooooo skin and bone...I thought my bear had a tiny butt before...it's almost nothing now...:( and I am thankful I have not found any bedsores yet as much as he is in bed...that has always been my concern since it would be hard to get them to heal...he is ThAnKfUl that the CT showed his heart not effected yet, that he still has a strong HeArT to fight with and the StReNgTh of friends and family to uphold him as long as possible...

As the doc said, "It's not to say he has 3 months or 5 months but that for hospice care the doctors has to do it on a 6 month basis and if the patient goes on past that time they just renew the hospice care for another 6 months...so be optomistic, he is a fighter for as long as he feels he can be...

Luv and prayers to all of you out there and especially to those who have or are coming down with the flu...our niece in Idaho has the swine flu according to her doctor...pray that she has a speedy recovery...:D

ya'll have a gr8 weekend and be safe....much luv to all....

Appts...

Yeah, I got a pic of him sleeping after he shaved on Monday...now if we can just get his hair cut for him...I usually do it on the back porch with his clippers...have to play it by ear and see when he feels up to it...:)

It has been a busy week for me...took him to get his labs on Tuesday mornin' and that short trip to Mesa View wore him out...like anything does now days...so with the way he has been feeling, I had called the doctor on Monday and we decided to just do the lab on Tuesday and the CT was to be done on Wednesday with no contrast...that yucky stuff you have to drink...the doctor said it would still give him an idea of what was going on with him...even appts for Jack...his shots and then grooming/clipping...I don't think he was too happ:D with me on Wednesday...this he ran to his bed as he wasn't sure he wanted to go with me...he was just going to get groomed...tehe

I took him in an hour earlier for the CT chest/abdomen/kidney as the hospital changed the time on us since I guess he wasn't doing the drink...I have to say the x-ray tech didn't have a good bed side manner...made Tim a little nervous...anyway, told the tech that he has been getting the CT's done at Dixie and the last one done was July so they could compare or last October here at Mesa would be another one to use for comparison...again, we got home and he slept most the day...I made a bunch of phone calls and I think the phone also rang about 14 times that day...anytime the phone rings more than 2 times, I know I am not meant to have a nap...

Well, the doc's assistant Kay called lata Wednesday afternoon and was asking how he was doing and I let her know...but was concerned because the CT was showing some plural something in his right lung or in other words fluid...she asked if he was having problems breathing, I said no...any chest pain, I said no again...told her basically what was going on and that he still doesn't want hospice...in the mean time between now and his appointment on Friday, October 9th...she is going to request that the radiologist get the other previous CT's to compare to which they hadn't done and have more of an idea of what is going on with his lungs and when we go up to see the doc...possibly order a chest x-ray and if need be aspirate his right lung and drain that fluid off...she said it will hurt too...ugggghhh and he won't like that...but we'll see...his blood work was actually pretty good...so no worries there yet...

As for the insurance for me...to help pay what medicare doesn't...I have about another 29 days left of the 63 days allowed to get an individual health plan like a supplemental/medigap and even though I have the "Certificate of Credible Insurability Letter" the insurance company can still turn me down for pre-existing conditions...this is what the insurance agent locally told me and that is one of the reasons the health system has to be revised...this agent in town is unable to help me as she only does healthy individuals and 65 and over medicare supplemental/medigap insurances...and in order to get insurance in Nevada for underage "65" medicare supplemental/medigap the only insurance or two are United American or Liberty National...but I have to go to Vegas and be in front of the agent to fill out the application...I told the local agent that's too far and I won't leave him for very long...is there someone in Georgetown that I could go to...lol...only if they are licensed for Nevada too...she is licensed for Nevada, Utah and Arizona as we are a borderline town...

I finally received his medicare supplemental insurance kit and health card so that anything that Medicare doesn't pay that is allowable then the medigap insurance takes care of it...so far, we are just getting by but as time goes on I hope we won't have to call the bank and see about a modification on our mortgage even just for 6 months...a lots of things now days seems to be play it by ear expression...;)

Well, I think I brought ya'll up-to-date...oh, the weather is finally cooling off but has been windy as heck...with the weekend coming up be safe, take care and enjoy your loved ones...

HaPp:D bIrThDaY hOn...DaD...pApPy...RuFf RuFf

HAPP:D BIRTHDAY GREETINGS...TIM

Yes, today is his 65th birthday and I think by far one of the best yet...Kelvin and Chloe came by last night...ma and Larraine today for a few minutes with a Cake/Icecream combo...Tamra made a surprise trip home last night to be here for his birthday, but sadly had to leave at noon for college classes today...Freda his sister called saying her wishes too...Charli called wishing him a happy birthday and SURPRISE...flowers too...so pretty and uhhhmmmm smelllll sooooo good too...my gift for him is his favorite meal...my style of chicken fried steak, country gravy, mashed tators...yah, I know sounds like allot, but it will be the amount he has been able to eat...like a bird...LOL...

Sorry for the way the pictures posted on the blog...they all look discombobulated...lol...the best you going to get of me today with ponytail and no makeup...tehe...I know I have goofy words I use...the girls tell me I'm a dork or funn:D...that's me folks...yes, today has been good so far...including the weather...

As for other things, I went to pick up our prescriptions for this month on prescription part D...mind you I had $800 set aside...it came to $610.77 after discounted and both each $295.00 deductible met...oh and that doesn't include my testing strips...they are over $200 for 2 boxes so I am getting paperwork for the doctor to fill out beside myself to take back and run through Medicare Part B...which is suppose to cover 80% and then I pay the 20% so that may be around $40...but doctors office hasn't called back to say ready. Be my luck they will call about the time I start working on dinner...

Now, it's quiet and he's sleeping again...maybe I should take a nap too...I wish everyone who has b-day's this month a good, happ:D one especially those just in the last few days...Ramona, Tammy-my niece, Larraine-Tim's cousin and also long time friend Loye both as well Today too....be safe...be happ:D...much luv to all...

Fotos...

I asked him if he would weigh himself to see how much weight he has lost...he's down from 163 to 154 within three weeks of last seeing the doctor...

After cleaning the house, I took couple of pictures of him...full body and bust...he tries so hard to smile but it's not there...he did eat good tonight and seemed to perk up because Tamra was coming home til Sunday night as she has her practicum first thing Monday morning at Ruby Thomas Elementary School...practicum for those who don't know...it is where she will practice teach under her mentor teacher...she loves it...she has even made a comment that she will be disappointed when she has to leave them in December when her semester is up...

And we've been running hotttttt here last few days...110 degrees...suppose to start cooling off...nights are nice though...gosh I wish our families were closer together....:)

This is going to be short and wishing you all a hApP:D SuNdAy...:D