Not sure...

Not sure where to start tonight. I guess I should have journaled last night but was too tired. I feel like my brain is in a fog and trying to keep things straight. It's like the rest of me is doing okay at times but can't get my head out of the fog...I feel journaling is helping as I go back and read it again. Some teariness and smiling, too but mostly waiting and trying to stay in the moment.

I had errands this morning and he said he was up to going. We went and got him an inexpensive mp3 player so we could do a playlist of Country and Western, maybe Big Band music too...maybe some other music he likes if its on a CD...Then stopped to check the mail and no check yet from workers' comp or a letter. He said we'd have to put a call into them and find out where the letter is that Human Resources has...to which she gave us a copy of it. Then we went to Smiths to get refill on his pain meds. It wasn't ready yet so we went through the store to get some groceries...we didn't even get one third of the way through and he said he was getting too tired and weak in the legs. I told him to go sit down and I'd finish up and get the Rx...came home and had lunch and he went to sleep.

I was right about last night he was up shortly after I got off here but he didn't stay up very long...since all of this has happened the lights on the frig door are left on and the tv in case he can't sleep then he can watch but also be able to see without turning all the lights on which can sometimes wake me up. You don't close doors on me unless I do it...I guess this all came sometime after having problems with my lungs. Yeah, I know I'll get to that soon enough...

As I'm sitting here listening to "Enigma" music...soothing, passionate, desirous, sadness, innocence, tearful and more...as I journal. One of my favorites is "The Piano"...I sometimes have this vivid imagination and did with both my girls when they were little and growing up...I would describe in detail a picture for them to see in their own mind and sometimes I still remind them of it...Like this song in my mind makes me feel like I'm in a floaty dress and swaying, swirling to the music and stepping around him...omg...get my mind back here...

I use to work for an oilfield company in Wyoming as an office manager to do billing for the oilfield rental tools that Oil companies used to drill for oil or when tools got stuck in the hole and the fishermen...not the fish you eat...lol...it's a term for an experienced person who got the pipe, etc out of the hole that was stuck...it's been many years since doing that and don't remember half the tool names....I have to say the one thing I hated most about that job was the smell from when the welders when they were welding on pipe or tools that had sour gas on it...omg that made me so sick to stomach and felt like I had heartburn....but somehow I got strayed from the story of imagination...I would at times go to the shops in Casper, Riverton, Evanston to help train someone else to do the billing out of those stores...I worked out of the Rock Springs store...I love the job...

With Charli she would go with me on the trips to the other stores and I would start describing the land scape and mountains around us and have her visualize what it would be like in the pioneer days...riding on your horse and keeping an eye out for the Indians and make the sound of shooting and yah yah and wooo wooo wooo etc and she would start laughing...

With Tam when she was little and to keep her occupied when we went out to dinner at the Peppermill; we would be sitting in a booth and with all the foliage and dimness of lights I would start telling her that...I know this is all funn:D and has nothing to do what today but...have you ever heard of "Ralph the Mouse" you know the little half hour show of a white mouse on a motorcycle...????
Ohhhh, I even have to say I love watching his movies...anyway, I would describe what Ralph was doing on the back of the booths and how he was hiding from everyone and say see there he goes on his motorcycle, etc...it worked and I've never had a problem with her when out for dinner....lol...

I was suppose to be watching movies cause they are due back at the library tomorrow but I'm enjoying the journaling and listening to the music...keeps me focused and determined...

Shaun was a sweetheart and mowed the lawn for him but I asked first if he was up to it as he just got off work and hadn't been home yet. He works graveyard at the same plastics plant as Tim. He also took him to get bag of potassium chloride for the water softener while I took Jack to the groomers yesterday. Then I fixed hotcakes and eggs for Shaun...

Tam came home from college for the weekend at least til Sunday...to finish getting rested up and know someone was close by if she needed some motherly healing and love...see she either had the 24hour bug or she got food poisoning...and her dorm roommate was going home for the weekend too so she would have been by herself.

Red came and got him for coffee and I'm not so sure he was really up to it. He said he was okay and by the time he came back he was hurting so bad...He did it again and went twelve hours since his last pain med. Babe you can't do that...he was trying to get off them again and he's finding out he's not able...he says he hurts all over including his legs and especially his knees...he feels like he's loosing all his muscle strength...he was showing Tam the difference between his two arms and his left arm that's fractured is nothing but almost skin and bone...there's no muscle bulk like you see in his other arm...I'm sorry but I'm having a moment and I'm afraid it's worse than what we want it to be....by just the way he's acting and feeling and thinking back on the different things in the past...how the box fell on his right shoulder in November 2006 and always feeling tired, doing less and less around the house and chalking it up to old age creeping up...saying he hurts all the time and can't find anything to help even thru the doctor and then not liking to take pills...he'll quit taking them cause he feels they aren't helping...

We were talking today and feels thing are so up in the air and not sure what to do because we don't have all the info on what kind and stage etc and what and how long the treatments before surgery for the rod in his arm...and how he wants me to do certain things or gets certain things...I was fighting back the tears when he ws talking that way...It reminds me of things my mom said about my dad after he past away and how certain things were said and done by dad...that mom said he must have known his time was close. I remember that time I was working as waitress on graveyards and was getting ready to quit and go help mom with dad but that didn't work out. One night I was working and mom called me and said he had passed away in the hospital...and I'd hate to see my girls have to go through that although Charli already has with her grandfather and you would think something like would prepare you for the future and it never does. Everything happens for a reason and I thank God that Gary is there for Charli because I feel she going to really need his support if it was to come to that...see Gary's folks have both passed away. His dad was on oxygen for lung issues and his mother had cancer. They, Charli and Gary I feel are stronger people today and that together they will handle telling their girls that their "pappy" (grandpa Tim) has cancer and which the granddaughters will find out this weekend. I'm not sure how the youngest will take it...she's quiet, creative, smart but I think unsure of herself at times...the oldest will get mad and probably rebellious but she's strong and will realize it happens for a reason but that it's not fair...that she feels she keeps getting hurt when she gets close to anyone...I wish they lived closer so I could be there for them too...

MaryAnn at the docs...was trying to comfort me one time and said she could see it in my eyes that I'm always trying to take care of everyone else and that I need to start thinking of myself and live for me so I can live for my family...See my doctor has suggested it's time I get on a lung and/or heart/lung transplant list...because if for some reason I was to get worse down the road and I wasn't prescreened and on the transplant list I wouldn't be able to get one and it would be too late...I don't want to put my family in a financial burden I just can't do that...it was recommended to me years ago but I was doing good and only on oxygen at night...
but since 2005 I have been on oxygen 24/7's...I'm still maintaining like I have all these years since 1989 when I was told I had sarcoidosis...that's knodule growths in the lungs...it can show up anywhere in your body but mine is in the lungs and it happens to be chronic not like most people who get it and have it for awhile and then go dormant for a long time...No, they don't know what causes it and how to treat it...I've been on prednisone, then they tried methotrexate and that didn't work for me...then they tried choltricine (I think it's spelled right) and that didn't either. So I'm back on prednisone and at one time I went a whole year without taking it except when I got sick with pneumonia and boy did I ever get pneumonia when I first started out...Every time I turned around I was sick bronchitis, pneumonia and it would hit me fast and hard to where my chest and back hurt so bad I couldn't breathe...over time the pneumonias were less but hit me slower and I would always doubt whether I was getting sick or not...I've been to the National Lung Center in Denver and I loved the doctor who did the procedure which is called "bronchoplasty" I was able to breathe better as he opened up my airways as much as he could on my right lung...he said my right lung looked like it was salt and peppered with the knodules and alot of the airways were closed off and what ones he was able to stretch open (for example straight pin head to eraser head size) wasn't much but it made a big difference to me in breathing...my insurance changed and so I tried another doctor in Utah and made the wrong choice. I should have stayed with the Denver doctor even if meant more money out of our pocket...the doctor didn't read my medical records well or at all according to my niece who Tam and I was staying with and it was suppose to be a same day procedure...I woke up in the ICU the next day...I flat lined on the doctors during the procedure...they said I tried to tell them I couldn't breathe when coming out of the anestesia and I quit breathing...I was intabated (you know the tube down the throat) when I woke up I couldn't breathe and my hands were strapped down to the bed railing...YOU DON"T WANT TO EVER PEN OR TIE ME DOWN...I managed to get my face somehow over to my hand and yanked the hose out of my mouth...and I set off alarms and the nurses came running in and said I can't do that...Yeah I can I just did and I can't breathe with it ON!!!! So they gave me an oxygen mask and I promised them I would breathe deep...anyway, Tam was scared I found later and Tim couldn't get away from work so with phone calls everyone was keeping in touch to see how I was doing and I was in hospital for a week and then stay with my niece for a few days...I felt so weak and I was so bruised on my arms...the IV's and probably from me tugging to get loose...I wanted to come home so bad and I don't know that my body was really ready but I had to...Our anniversary of first meeting each other was coming up and I wanted to be home...with Tam in hand we left Salt Lake City and drove to Southern Nevada...I was crying on the way home and I just had this strong feeling that I had to be home...after getting home I wouldn't go anywhere...couldn't handle anything, I was afraid of anything and everything around me but not of dying...go figure...it took Dr Sharon to listen to me and put me on antidepressant for awhile and you know I didn't stay on it for long maybe a month...I didn't like the way it made me feel and I couldn't keep being afraid and couldn't do that to my family and Dr Sharon made me finally realize that and I snapped out of it...

Anyway, I need to end for tonight and journal tomorrow...or tonight and I will try not to have it too long...Prayers are needed for hoping the doctor has caught it in time and that everything will be okay. Good night. Much luv to all...

Optomistic...

The feelings are good and up right now...Both of us are tired. I'm going to cut this short and journal tomorrow. I do have a correction that I realized later today that I made on his next appointment. It's the 17th not the 19th...lol...I'm sure the doctor would be working on a Sunday...tehe

I did get my flu shot after I saw doctor today about my shoulder. Good news not infected but I will have more doctor appointments with a wound doctor. He will have to decide if antibiotics, hyperbaric oxygen vchamber and/or skin graph to help it heal better...another working progress of it healing which I was told from first surgeon who did it back in February. Maybe tomorrow I will give a short version of my health. Good night.

Worried...

Last night late while journaling...he was moaning in his sleep. I turned and looked and he was trying to move to the good side. Yesterday, his right shoulder was bothering him and I didn't realize it but he's been trying to back off the pain meds as well as today. I asked why and he said he didn't want to be taking them that he would try to put up with the pain...that's foolish don't totally go off if your hurting that bad.

He gets up every couple of hours during the night. He still bounces from his chair to the couch. He'll nap in his chair during the day if I'm needing to nap as well. There are times this past week I have had to take several naps to keep me going. So far I'm holding up and not getting too run down and I've even dropped two pounds over this past week...whoo hoo...

Between phone calls and keeping up with everything, I think I got all the bases covered. I've got notes going so I don't loose track whats going on with him and workman's comp and the health insurance and whom I've talked with because I'm still trying to keep my health maintained. It's another story and soon I'll explain and maybe some will understand as family and friends already know...By the way his next appointment is Friday, October 19th with the oncologist. Wish it was sooner because the wait sometimes is too much...

Our daughters and I feel things happen for a reason-Tam going to college and getting a new job and making new friends with an associate who has cancer and it is helping her to understand and learn and cope. Researching the web and learning more (Tam and I) and understanding what the doctor is saying (me) when he was telling us. I knew what the next step was before he said it was a needle biopsy to find out where it originated from and stage. The reading of Suzanne Somer's book and reading stuff in it and understanding her steps of going through chemo and how a lot of patients don't always follow through with all their appointments. Just what has come about and thinking back it's probably been all for a reason. With Charli
so far away, I'm trying to keep her informed as much as possible and telling her the websites to check so I know that what I've explained she understood and if not she can read more on it. I'm glad she has certain friend to talk with as well as Gary her hubby. Conversing through texting with her today and then actually talking on the phone I noticed her voice welt up and I'm trying to keep it together and then the facet opened up and I quietly for a few seconds let it come out and she asked if I was alright and I managed to pull myself together and said that I was okay and that it does hit me from time to time. I believe a little bit more today. I think it's starting to sink in more and yes, I'm still trying to stay in the moment although it is hard....

I don't think I was really going to talk about this and I should journal when I think of things but don't want to be doing it several times a day. You might get bored with it...lol...
We just kicked back today. He slept off and on and has been trying to keep up on the news on the economy and the market. We've lost over $10,000 so far this year and I know it's nothing compared to those who've lost even more or all in the market. Last year wasn't any better either about the same. Anyway, enough of that subject.

I've offered to get him his westerns from the library in either reading or books on CD's but he doesn't want that. He was looking for some music on CD's from the carousel and he was squatting like he always does but couldn't get up this time. I had to help lift him up. He's always been physical and to see him weak like this is odd.
After getting up, I asked if he was alright and he said he wasn't sure anymore. This has never happened to him before and he's worried. He still wants to listen to music but doesn't want to have to change the records, cd's or cassettes too much of a hassel...yeah, we have some of the old formats of music. We even still have an old 8track and 4track...lol...at one time had a reel to reel....Anyway, I suggested putting the western radio station on and he was happy with that. I was busy doing other things and/or on the internet so it didn't bother me (pssst the TV was still on too but muted...lol). I have a bad habit of multi-tasking a lot...lol...

Time got away from me and he was up and getting ready to go to coffee with Red a friend who comes by to get him otherwise I take him. Today it was only him and Red. Owen and Gloria didn't show up and Kelvin is out of town hunting. I'm glad he has that to do. It's really bothering him that the back yard grass is getting taller and poor Jack is starting to get swallowed up in it...lol...don't worry it'll get done soon...

Oh, for dinner I fixed pancakes with eggs. He's been hungry for either french toast or pancakes last few days...so I finally fixed them tonight. I made extra for the next couple days if he wants something different than his oatmeal or standby...not too many people like it when we tell them what it is...the girls like it...a standby is toast with peanut butter not too heavy and fried hard egg and cheese on it...sometimes I will ask if he wants bacon on too...not too often....so what do you think...I can't eat it myself...don't like to mix egg and peanut butter together...yuk...

Anyway, he's trying to lay in bed in the spare bedroom tonight. His back is bothering him since he hasn't been laying flat on his back for awhile. He was told sleeping upright is better but for about 15 minutes today he managed to lay flat on his back in bed. I wouldn't be surprised if he's up here in the next hour. He says he only sleeps 1 1/2 to 2 and then he's up to the bathroom and going outside and back in...and he doesn't want to disturb what sleep I get...sometimes I have my bad nights too...and I'll come out on the couch so I don't disturb him...now, he's doing it. Hopefully it won't be too long...

I am so glad the cooler weather is finally here. It was surprising today when I saw the thermostat was reading 100 and it's been 90 lately...ohhhhhhhhh and the late eve and early morns are so nice. We open up the house. I don't like being closed up and dislike it when it gets too cold or too hot and have to close up the house.

Anyway, I think I will go for now. I have errands to do in morning. Jack needs grooming...he's such a character...lol...and maybe groceries but definitely an appointment with doctor myself for follow-up on a post-op wound from August 29 and stitches were removed September 11th but not sure healing right on my left shoulder. I will explain more on that one later. Good night...

Gdaughters....Skool pics

Melissa Ann


Erin Nicole

B E A U T I F U L....and growing up too fast...our granddaughters

Gdaughters....

OMG...we received in the mail today the most B E A U T I F U L pictures of the granddaughters. They are gorgeous...I sure do love my family...lol...I will scan them into my computer tomorrow and add them to this blog...

Too late to do it tonight, still have some other things to do before bed...Have a gOOD nIGHT!!!

Whoo hoo...luv them...lata
me <3

Pins 'n Needles...

Neither one of us slept good last night and of course, he doesn't every night anyway. The pain he has to deal with even with the meds just barely gets him by but he's trying to deal with it. I had to lay back down this morning after my breathing treatment. I was too tired and wouldn't have made it through today.

I was dreading this morning as he was going to hear the test results from the doctor. I found out tonight he had the feeling it was bad news but yet good. I told him I had this big 'ol lump in my throat and kept telling myself to take deep breathes and stay calm for him...I'm hanging in there but like him we privately have our moments. I think he's learning to be an optismist...lol...maybe. I sometimes have to be comical or try to cover up how I'm really feeling just to keep going. This is just my writings of what I'm or he is feeling and how we're getting through it together. If it doesn't make sense to anyone that's okay...it'll help me keep going and show strength for him.

One test hasn't come back which is the bone density test. The blood work came back as always good...it never shows anything wrong. Like I said it took the accident to happen to have the doctors figure something else is going on and run other tests. The CT chest and left arm showed a lesion in his left humerus where the pathologic fracture is and it also shows one in his right shoulder, right rib where he got hurt in June at work by pulling the cartilage from his ribs but also a fracture that did heal that the ER doctor didn't pick up on. He has lesions in back of neck and showing some small lesions in his liver. As far as below the waist, we are waiting for bone density results to still come in, hopefully tomorrow.

The doctor did say depending how long this takes he could probably go back to work if he was wanting to...so it's a matter of wait and see again...
He definitely will have a rod put in his left arm and bolted at shoulder and elbow to help hold humerus together to give it a chance to heal but not until he sees the onocologist doctor in St George and do a needle biopsy to determine what kind of cancer it is and where it stared from and hopefully the doctor has caught it early enough plus some other tests.

We'll know more when we see him...suppose to get that call tomorrow for the appointment. You see the surgery on his arm can't be done til the cancer is contained from either chemo or radiation or both cause if the doctor does surgery when cutting into him, doctor could spread the cancer cells...there's a website that can explain it better than me... http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec05/ch063/ch063a.html

Hope this will help if anyone wants to read it. We have let our daughters know and of course work. Workmen's comp is coming through and that's one less worry but only two-thirds of his monthly pay but it's better than nothing.

Anyway, still a lot of waiting again....til we know everything...more lata and all your prayers would be appreciated. He's not religious but believes in a higher power...

me <3

My Lit'l Girl...

My Lit’l Girl

So little words yet a lot to say,
I had my lit’l girl so many years ago and yet just yesterday.

I counted ten perfect fleshy pink fingers and toes,
A tiny blonde with big brown eyes and a lit’l button nose.

She and I loved crusin’ the boulevard and going to the parks,
With the geese, the ducks and swans to feed and singing skylarks.

Concerts on the grass, snow sledding or camping off the car,
Then grandpa’s health news started the moving of wide and far.

From Alaska to Maryland, Alaska to Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming,
Montana, Texas and finally Mesquite,
She and I found our own lit’l niche but it was yet not sweet.

So much in between and still growing and learning hard from the mistakes,
Here she and I will stay even though there are still heartaches.

Now someone special (in her mind) has come between us and makes her mad,
And down the road my lit’l girl learns she has a new dad.

Not liking the rules, she’s moving out and learns her own life’s rawness,
But with time she sees he is good and accepts it with coolness.

As the saying goes,
“Any man can be a father, but only a special
Person can be a DAD”

With her father not showing or caring at all,
She wraps her dad’s love around her like a warm shawl.

So she’s not just my lit’l girl anymore,
She’s now our lit’l girl who we adore!

@by Alicia Shaner October 2008

Tired...

We talked some more yesterday and he feels he has had an inkling something was going on. The blood work in the past that the doctors took always showed everything good but his body was saying otherwise by how he felt. I told him it could be they weren't looking and doing the right tests, that it's taken you getting hurt at work before anyone is really paying attention and running other tests FINALLY...

He has so many things running through his head about now and the future. He's not sure what he is going to do but will wait on the others to let him know what is going on and they're decisions before he makes a final decision...

And with today, I set the alarm so I could get up and do my breathing treatment and get ready to go run errands. I have to say today I feel TIRED...like this past week has finally caught up with me and I'm still not done. I have weekly chores still to do like laundry and lol...believe it or not at 55 I actually watch VH1 and CMT Top 20Videos every weekend without fail....yeah, I know but I feel young at heart and head even if my body looks and feels aged.!!!!!.....lata me <3

Appointments...Lit'l bit p/o'd...

The insurance company nurse called and asked questions and said he supposedly had an appointment with the ortho on Tuesday the 7th. I called the ortho's office and he didn't but also verified the tests to be done and it's not chest xray, mri, CT arm...it is CT of chest and arm and a bone density.

I called hospital and got them scheduled all for today at 4 p.m. and depending how long the test results take to come back, I'll schedule his follow-up appointment with ortho on 7th or 14th Tuesday. The scheduler said he had a chest x-ray in June when he had his other accident (and that's when the doctor told us he had pulled the cartilage from his ribs). The scheduler said his chest x-ray looked suspicious but couldn't discuss it with me, she wasn't a doctor. If the chest x-ray was suspicious WHY? didn't the ER doctor say something to Tim back in June so he could follow up on it and get what might need to be done. Lack of communication!!!!!!!!!!!! unless she was referring to the pulled cartilage from ribs...

Will write more later...oh, last minute thought-insurance nurse did say that his pain meds need to be a lesser dosage because when they go to do any surgery and he's on too strong of a pain meds then it's liable not to work for him when he'll really need something strong enough...I feel a lit'l bit hyper, pissed off but will stay in the moment until we talk to the doctors and get results and see about the "suspicious xray" if it was more than the pulled cartilage.

Later today, his doctors appointment is Tuesday, Oct 7th...

Quote...

The caption "Good ol' Dad...Dwarf Grumpies face...lol" taken September 2008



Okay, I said I would get his quote right and I was pretty close, "Expect the worst, Hope for the best and take whatever comes."

A certain someone special feels "her pappy is her number one hero"

We are still waiting for appointment scheduling, maybe Jennifer will call tomorrow.

I'm sitting here writing this and he's talking in his sleep. Yes, he's on the couch as it's hard for him sleep in bed until they fix his arm and I guess put it in a cast. It's been awkward and hard to sleep in bed as it hurts too much. Right now he's holds his arm like its in a sling at home (its uncomfortable wearing it around the house) but when he has to go out he uses the sling.

We're both holding our own and staying in the moment as much as possible. My youngest feels that she needs to come home this weekend from college. She told a friend she feels I'm going to need a shoulder to cry on but I actually am surprising myself today and feeling stronger than I thought.

He actually watched the "VP Debates" tonight and every so often he'd raise his voice a lit'l and say that's not right and you're not answering the question, etc...lol...I'd have to turn around and say you sound agitated...don't get so ralled up...lol

This morning I went and ran errands and when I got back he was saying how when he went out in the front or back yard he was seeing work he could do...cutting the rose bushes, pulling weeds, cutting branches on bottom of pine trees, weed the little bit of lawn we have in back but knew he couldn't. He's tired but yet restless...he's not used to sitting around.

A couple of the guys from work called this morning just before 7 a.m. and we couldn't figure out who in the heck would be calling that early...cause the girls know better...lol...it was the guys and they were checking to see what happened to him and how he was and wished him well but they had to get to work and he said he wished he was going to work!...

Feelings...

I'm having mixed feeling and trying to stay in the moment...he's had two on the job injuries within two months time this year (one last November which would make three and it's not like him to get hurt). It has taken this last one September 25, 2008 for the doctors to realize something else is going on with him. He has a saying and I'll have to put the quote down right later on but it goes something like this: "Expect the worst, Hope for the best and Bring on what it is and go on with Life". He says it better and again I will have to ask him to repeat it to me...

I'm trying to be strong and we talked some this this morning and he says after thinking back and how his body has been trying to tell him something and he has just thought it to be "Old Age" coming on as he just turned 64 years old...he's been a hard worker all his life and doesn't know anything else and slowing down is hard to do...I agreed with him because I've had to learn to slow down with my health and I have been trying to get my health on track or keep it still maintained as I have said in the past I feel I'm going to be needed to support him and be the stronger one. Staying in the moment is hard and I feel I have no one to talk to just yet until all the tests come back as to why his "left humerous shaft" got fractured/broken...the ER doctor said there was something eating away at his bone in his arm...best way I can explain the fracture is like grabbing the shoulder and elbow and pulling opposite directions and it cracks around the arm...

We are waiting for the hospital to call and schedule the appointments for a chest x-ray, MRI and CT of his arm and we got a call today to go in for a bunch of blood tests and with the results...his determination/decision will be made based on that...continue working after his arm is fixed or retire and/or go on disability...If all tests come back that whatever is going on with his arm is confined to his arm it'll be fixed but if it doesn't heal properly then he'll be sent to California or Salt Lake City for a rod to be put in his arm until it heals right...yeah, a lot of ifs and WAIT...

He's at coffee...yes, I drive him as he is on meds for the pain and I explained if he was unable to make a fast decision to prevent an accident whether someone else or him causing it...he could damage his arm even worse...so I drive...I enjoyed having him home when he was last off for four weeks from last accident but I didn't want him off like this...

I will add to this daily of my feelings and how he is doing and as the test are done and results come in...

Aub+Jake's First Anniversary

Make a Smilebox photobook

Father's Day 2007 - Daughters by John Mayer (song in playlist)

Love Is...Like Two Roses Blooming Together - August 1985

Love is...

Knowing you've met someone you want to spend he rest of your life with...

Knowing that someone cares...

Knowing you can talk in mutual agreement and not hold back...

Knowing you can express your feelings in touching...

Knowing you can speak through your eyes...

Knowing when your sad - that someone feels with you...

Knowing when you cry - that someone cries with you - in tears or from the heart...

Knowing you can enjoy laughing together...

Knowing you will explore new things together...

Knowing you want the same dreams to come true...

Knowing you will together take the good with the bad...

Knowing your home life will be built together side by side and not around each other...

Knowing you'll work in sweat and toil together out of love...

Knowing if you disagree on things you won't blow things out of proportion but work them out...

Knowing you'll both be there if your children need your help or advise...

Knowing you'll see your grand-children grow up into beautiful people...

Knowing you'll look forward to every New Year with new joys, hopes, faith and dreams more

fulfilling than before..

Knowing you'll both grow old together...

Knowing you love each other for always and forever...

LOVE IS............LOVE

Je Tem' (You I Love)
....By Alicia S. 1985

"CRABBY OLD MAN"

I HAD TO ADD THIS TO MY BLOG...SO B E A U T I F U L!!!!!

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this " anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking...when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man...not very wise,
Uncertain of habit...with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food...and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice..."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice...the things that you do.
And forever is losing...A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding...The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?...Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse...you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am...As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding...as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters...who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen...with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now...a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty...my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows...that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now...I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide....And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty...My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other...With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons...have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me...to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children...My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me...My wife is now dead.
I look at the future...I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing...young of their own.
And I think of the years...And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man...and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles...grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone...where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass...A young guy still dwells,
And now and again...my battered heart swells
I remember the joys...I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living...life over again.

I think of the years all too few...gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact...that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people...open and see..
Not a crabby old man...Look closer...see...ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who
you might brush aside without looking at the young soul
within.....we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be
seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

2004 Christmas Dresses

This is my oldest daughter, Charli and her

husband Gary and my two grand-daughters,

Erin's in blue and Melissa's in burgandy.

I made these two dresses for Christmas

and they look pretty good on the girls.

Doll Birthday Cake 2004

This was my first time attempting to decorate a doll birthday cake and I haven't done one since...lol. I'll leave it to the professionals! She looks like she's drowning...lol...sorry, I should have made her stand up higher then decorate her body with the icing. Daughter liked it anyway. That's what is important.

Thinking of you...2005

Using this picture to show the card I made above.

Poem of Love

Anniversary

Our first meeting was so long ago,
But seems like yesterday.

With many peaks and valleys,
And no regrets I can say.

Your love has touched deep within,
And with every kiss I swoon.

Your loving arms around me,
Makes me feel like a spinning room.

I love you oh so much,
And sorry I don’t often say more.

So, Happy Anniversary honey,
May god bless us many years galore!

….By Alicia S. 2007

One of My Poems...

A Daughter, A Mom as Friends

There is a crying out in quiet Tamra
A sad tearfulness of her blue eyes
As if she longed to be
And had since known her short life--it raw

Her heart soars to new heights
And though deep down there is a sorrow
You want it to be a better tomorrow
To see her eyes twinkle bright

Try to be happy, and trying, has its smile
Hers is not forced, but of loneliness
You won’t be sadden as she goes the mile
But sadden by her tears, nonetheless

As she lets her dance and song in heart
Leave a past mark on her way to a new life stance
She’ll sing with life on church choir night
And show her heart star of bright

So don’t let tears give in
As she could be near
To always have that friend
A mom--at home she has been here

-----By Alicia S. 1999

Craftroom Creation - A working progress!

B-Day Card May 2008

For my sister Sharon

Charli's Mother's Day Greeting

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Daughter Going Off to College Fall 2008!

Quilts

Quilts I made for the granddaughters-Melissa and Erin for Christmas 2003 for their dolls.