Frail...

Frail...not sure if that is the right word to say...he's lost more weight and I am not sure how much he weighs...should see if he can get on the scale...we think he starts doing good on eating and then he's back to having a hard time eating anything...like one step forward and then three steps backwards...:(

I am constantly looking at him when he sleeps...at times I have to look hard to see if he is still breathing...my heart starts to skip a beat and then I see his stomach moving up and down or a twitch of his hand move...

For the past week, I have felt like I'm here but yet in lalaland...if that makes any sense...I know it plays on the back of my mind and being on FB keeps me distracted while he is sleeping...crocheting or reading would just put me to sleep, so I find the games distract me from thinking about it til he wakes or needs me...

I want to do an updated picture but not sure if I feel comfortable taking one with him so frail and how he would feel...he needs a hair cut again and his beard shaved...he says he's not up to it...

The hardest part is keeping it together especially when he keeps telling me he loves me and it almost sounds like he's fighting back the tears when he says it...which I have to be strong for him and the girls as he says "suck it up or pull your boot straps up and go on".

I'm not even sure he is going to be up to going for blood work on Tuesday, September 29th and then the CT of the chest/abdomen/kidneys the next day Wednesday, September 30th...that will take two hours as he has to drink that white chalky stuff or contrast as they call it...

With the passing of Patrick Swayze...here is URL http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1213530/Patrick-Swayze-loses-cancer-battle-57.html... to see pictures of him and the one I refer to in the wheel chair...it was sad and seeing the photo of him being wheeled out from the hospital a couple weeks before...he looks so frail...Tim is getting to look like that...with his eyes it looks like they're sad and trying to tell me he's not ready yet...

He is getting to where he doesn't feel like company but he won't turn them away so he puts on a face for them...like yesterday it was quiet for us and I ran to get the newspaper and around 3:30 p.m. a coffee bud came by and Tim saw the truck through the window and told me..."I wished he hadn't come over, I am not up to it"...but he put on his face and chatted with him as much as possible like his old self...;)

Even Jack was acting odd today...not eating in the morning like always...he is always begging for his food...twirling in a circle to let me know it's time to eat...lol...then laying on the bathroom rug while I am getting ready and he has never done that...it's always in his bed by the nightstand when I get cleaned up...

Oh, I did get a battery ordered for his cell phone and I am hoping it will be here on Monday...his cell phone is his life line to the outside world...like the Internet is for me...but those calls are even better...:D

Well, I guess I will get off here and wish everyone health, happ:Dness, and prayers for whatever your needs are...luv with all your heart, be safe and have a good weekend...much luv to all :))